


let's pick a star and call it ours

by Joyfulldreams



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU - Slime Rancher, M/M, Slow Burn, long-distance pining, will add tags as they apply
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-05-16 03:50:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14803818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joyfulldreams/pseuds/Joyfulldreams
Summary: Jake English, feeling stifled by life on Earth, decides to jump ship and start a new life 1,000 light years away on a planet only known as the Far, Far Range, beginning a new career as a Slime Rancher. Here, there are adventures to be had. Here, there are mysteries to solve. Here, there will be no-one he's beholden to except for the adorable native wildlife, himself, and...the mysterious mechanic, Dirk Strider. He provides Jake with the invaluable service of maintaining and upgrading his ranch and equipment, and even more invaluable, is the only person around to talk to.Now, if only he could get even a glimpse of the guy...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This AU was less inspired and more lifted from and authorized by [Callmearcturus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/callmearcturus/pseuds/callmearcturus) and the [Slime Rancher AU](https://callmearcturus.tumblr.com/post/163960317680/dumb-slime-rancher-au) idea they came up with and wrote a basic outline for. 
> 
> I warn you though, reading the tumblr post will kind of spoil you for the entire fic. Not completely! But mostly.
> 
> This fic is rated Mature because there's gonna be some sexy stuff but honestly, this isn't really a porn fic. 
> 
> Also. Play Slime Rancher. It's really good, you won't be disappointed, it's so cute and feel-good and fun.

 

> **From:** Jake English  
>  **To:** Jade Harley  
>  **Subject:** TALLY-HO!!!
> 
> Jade,
> 
> Ive finally made it! And dash it all jade but the first thing i notice is the blasted HEAT!
> 
> Before you say anything of course i knew it would be a bit torrid. I DID do my research despite what everyone apparently thinks about me. One doesnt take on such a dramatic new direction in life without at least a few net searches. I just wasnt expecting my year of cryosleep to land me smack dab in the middle of summer here on the far far range.
> 
> The sun is much closer here than it is at home and it bears its heat down on my poor noggin with twice the reckless abandon. And would you believe it but i think the sky is just a tinge more lavender blue than the perwinkle were used to. I think i quite like it.
> 
> Now i know what youre thinking. “Jake get to the point already i dont give an owls hoot about your sweat glands or what the clouds look like. What about the SLIMES?!”
> 
> Dont you fret your pretty little head even a moment longer dear cousin mine. Ive got you more than covered.
> 
> Just look at them!! Within minutes of me setting foot on my brand new ranch i stumbled upon nearly half a dozen of these adorable pink blobs of joy! And already ive got my work cut out for me.
> 
> The ranch isnt exaclty in the best of conditions im afraid to say. Ive only got the one corral in working order and its all more than a bit slipshod. But i suppose thats about whats to be expected for the price i was able to nab the land for. Quite the screaming deal! Its a fixer upper to be sure but im more than ready and raring for the challenge.
> 
> With that said i hope this update will have been worth your year long wait. Ive got to get a move on!
> 
> \- Jake

 

You click off your datapad and hook it back into your belt after finishing your starmail to Jade. It was important to get that out of the way the second you thought of it, otherwise you know you would have completely forgotten to send anything her way for a whole week. Maybe even two? The point is, you fulfilled your obligation, and now...you have work to do.

The pink slimes you just snapped that photo of have since begun hopping around you, smiling and making charming chirping sounds. You adjust your grip on your vacc pack. This is a brand of technology you have very little experience with, but it has to be fairly straightforward. Click the top button to suck a thing in and store it. Rotate the dial to select the desired item, then click the bottom button to shoot it out! A completely necessary tool for any and all slime ranchers, but especially one as green as you. And unlike your ranch, this thing is brand new.

Well...a year old you guess, but when you bought it, it was brand new!

For your first act as a slime rancher, you promptly point the glowing end of your vacuum gun thing and suck the pink slimes into it with a satisfying 'plop'. There are no signs of distress from any of them; some of their little exclamations seem to be excited at the sudden ride. You can feel something shift and settle and whirr in the pack on your back. Ah. There they are, safe and sound. Now you can look around without risking them wandering off.

Your ranch. Red tightly-packed dirt under your boots, canyon walls on all sides, corralling you and any slimes you take under your wing inside. By the cliff sits a cozy little two-room shack overlooking the vast slime sea. The breeze wafting upward from it keeps you cool, and you take a whiff of the odd smell. No salt, not even water really. It’s the smell of slime. You guess you’ll be getting used to that.

You’ve already dropped your things off inside the house. You’ll unpack later. Instead, you go to inspect the one corral in actual working order. The four translucent walls shimmer with all colors of the rainbow, held together by a mesh of some form of hard light structure, you think. Meant to let anything in, but only you out. You can’t see anything wrong with it from here, so you shrug and test it out, shooting the slimes out of your vacc pack one by one, chuckling as each of them makes a child-like noise of surprise when they slap into each other. Then they look at you with giant yet utterly benign smile on their faces....bodies? Slime? Faces. Yeah, sure, faces.

It’s quite clear they feel no trepidation towards you. Or perhaps toward anything really. A simple and tranquil existence.

That sounds just about perfect.

You figure there’s basically nothing that will bother these little guys and now that they are safely wrangled, you can attend to other things. Like getting other corralls set up, probably. You look at the other plots obviously meant to house such things and just kind of. Stare at them.

Okay, you have no idea how to do that, and it sounds kind of boring. You don’t even need them for now, so why bother? Surely the priority is making sure your new charges are happy and well-fed! And to figure out how to do the rest of the whole...ranching thing. There’s a process, you know.

You and the slimes trade an equally blank look for a few seconds.

“...I don’t suppose you could give me a hint as to what it is you all eat, could you?”

One of them chirps at you. Aww. Unhelpful, but cute.

So you shrug and set off to go look around. You can learn on the job, just like you’ve done for all your other jobs. Besides, there’s much more to see and do on the Far Far Range than sit on your ass and bite your thumb for eternity. You have a whole planet to explore! Following the crumbling cobblestone path out of the sanctity of your property, you step out into the _wild_.

The first things you see are some patches of soft dirt, some very sparse greenery, and _even more slimes_. They bounce around and seem to pop out of the ground spontaneously. Which is...a bit alarming? You quickly jog over to the spot you saw it happen, but there are no holes to speak of. Huh. As you inspect it further, you hear a loud *crunch* behind you, and you turn to spy one of the slimes tug at a green sprout in the ground with it’s mouth, pull out what looks to be a carrot, and chow down on it. You smile. See? Easy.

So you wander around and collect as many carrots as you can find, head back to the ranch, and shoot them directly into the mouths of your little pink friends. They immediately swallow them whole. Then after a second, they screw up their faces, and out plops...well, a plort, you guess. Oh. So _that’s_ how plorts get made.

You’re happy to handle them with your vacc pack rather than your hands, despite the fact that they seem hard as crystal. You turn your attention to the big gadget sitting off to the side with a giant screen displaying pictures of similar looking crystal-type things with numbers underneath. Plorts. Oh boy, there’s a lot more of them than you thought. And this must be the plort market. Your income.

The six plorts you’ve got right now will apparently net you all of 47 newbucks. The pink ones are only seven per, while some of the others seem to be going for _hundreds._ Right. There’s a whole system in place, here. There’s probably quite a bit you can learn just by looking into rancher community. You know there is one--and that there are other ranchers likely just around the corner. You’re not _completely_ on your own.

But for now, it’s quiet and peaceful, and you have earned in about 25 minutes of work enough money for a decent dinner back home. When you heard this profession tended to be lucrative, this wasn’t quite what you had in mind. You’re not going to complain.

That being said....it _is_ very hot. Your slimes are fed. You have literally no obligations for the moment other than to maybe unpack? The days on this planet are a bit shorter than they are on earth, too. So...this sounds like a great time to head inside and get the air conditioning working.

And maybe take a nap. So what if you just slept for a whole year? Who’s around to tell you you _can’t_ take a nap, huh? Nobody, that’s who. You’re your own master now. It’s great.

 

\----------

 

Your nap is refreshing, and so is the respite from the heat. When you wake up you do a bit of unpacking, but not all of it. Top priority is, of course, getting all of your posters up and making sure the television is working properly. Absolutely required for this to feel like any kind of home at all. And now, as the sun starts to set, the temperature outside becomes much more bearable. A perfect time to head out and check on your slimes!

But as you do, you are unpleasantly surprised to find that only only _four_ of them are there in their corral, all stacked on top of each other like a totem, while the other two are gallivanting off like they hadn’t just escaped!

“ _Excuse_ me you little buggers, just what do you think you’re doing!” You shout, and march right over to vac them back up and plop them right where they belong. You give the stack they’ve made the stink eye and they just smile widely at you. They seem to be enjoying themselves well enough. You had no idea they’d do anything like this. But, learning on the job, that’s what this is for. Now to figure out how to keep this from happening, because even thinking about having to constantly wrangle them back into their corral gets you all kinds of irritated.

Really. So irritated. You mean to stay irritated, but they’ve stacked themselves up so the one on top is nearly at your shoulder height, and...

“Oooh, I can’t stay mad at that _face._ ” You sigh in defeat, and find yourself reaching out to gently poke it in it’s cute little face. It makes a tiny noise in reaction, and you marvel at the feel of it. The texture is slightly tacky, but smooth and malleable. It’s. Well, slime, but fairly solid, with a squishy membrane. You gently stroke your fingers down its side and it makes a happy little trill.

Your heart is going to _melt._

The spell is broken when instead of letting you continue to pet it, the slime slides off of the tower and flops onto the ground outside of it’s corral, then starts to squirm around without a care in the world. You let out another sigh.

“This won’t do at all,” you huff, reaching down and picking the slime up with both your hands. You gently bounce it up and down a bit, watching as its body ripples and its smile widens, then gently place it back down behind the wall. “Not at all. Hmm.”

You need a way to make the walls taller somehow, or otherwise stop them from climbing on each other. With no idea how to do that, you resign to the fact that there is hardly any harm in letting them wander a tiny bit while you look around the ranch. There must be _something_ in the way of tools for ranch upkeep, right?

By the time you find anything useful, the sun has set. You investigate the plort market device; nothing more to it, really. There are multiple devices that look like pedestals--teleporters?--which are powered down or broken. Defunct and unhelpful. You find a shed with a bunch of junk in it that you don’t know what to do with, and you’re just about to give up when you spot the most obvious thing and want to slap yourself in the head.

At the side of the shack is another device with a single screen. It’s looks a bit more slipshod than the rest, and there’s this odd bit at the side that doesn’t seem connected, but it actually manages to boot up (though it seems to glitch a bit), and it contains a list not entirely unlike a starmail inbox, but instead of ‘Inbox’ at the top, it says ‘Requests’.

“Bingo,” you whisper to yourself. You’d shout but even you realize this should not have been so difficult to find. Looking through some of the older entries in here--which are faded out but still there--you find things like ‘planter unit’, ‘generator’, ‘incinerator’, ‘siloh’, etc. Clicking through gives you a very brief description that you don’t understand for some of them, along with a ‘Requested’ date and a ‘Delivered’ date. The most recent item to be delivered was something with a very fancy name that apparently had something to do with, you assume, one of the defunct teleporters on the ranch. But that was months ago, it seems. There’s something called ‘walls’ and ‘air net’ and you wish you knew more about them or how to request them, but it seems all you can do is create a new item. So, you do.

> **SUBJECT:** Walls???
> 
> **DESCRIPTION:** Something to keep these blasted pinks from hopping out!! Please and thank you?
> 
> **REQUESTED:** Today.

  


You submit that and it plops right onto the list. So...okay. You suppose now you just ought to wait.

Ugh. Great. Nothing to be done about it yet you suppose, so you feed your slimes one last time, collect their plorts, and instead of pointlessly putting them into the corrall you simply vacc them up and turn in for the night.  

You don’t sleep until very late considering you just took a fairly restful nap, but you DO break your television in, christening your new home with a ceremonial viewing of Weekend at Bernie's. After which you happily conk out for a few hours, waking sometime late morning. And oh boy, are you hungry.

Somehow you didn’t think this part through. All the food you brought with you has been freeze-dried so thoroughly it’s barely edible, in your opinion. You spend a good hour staring at the empty refrigerateror and inactive cookilizer, until you figure out that you will simply have to _buy_ food and wait for drones to warp it into your kitchen. Not many companies send drones all the way out here for much, you realize. 

Well. Good thing you have a hundred or so newbucks and something to tide you over.

Grimacing from the taste of your freeze-dried rations, you go outside and take a few steps before you realize there is something right in front of your door. A package! Already? That was remarkably fast!

You pick it up, and realize it isn’t really wrapped in anything, it’s just sort of...a box, with doohickies on the side. Oh, boy. What have you gotten yourself into? All of this tech you’ve never bothered to get used to...you can just see Jane rolling her eyes at you, while trying not to look obvious about the fact that she is rolling her eyes at you.

Heading over to the “Request” module, you take a look. Your previous item is now faded out, and has a “DELIVERED” date. But there is also something else new. A ‘note’ attached to the end of the item.

> **DELIVERY NOTE:** Who are you? Please contact my  starmail ASAP. 

  


It provides a click-through link. Huh. That was...not what you expected? You have no idea what to make of this. Were they not expecting anyone to buy up this property?

But you click the link, figure out the address, and make a new message to send to it via your datapad.

> **From:** Jake English  
>  **To:** Dirk Strider  
>  **Subject:** Hello?
> 
> Howdy there stranger. Is this where im meant to contact for maintenance on the ranch? I did just get here and all, im a bit new to all this. I appreciate you reaching out to me in person if that is indeed whats happening. Did you drop off this cube thing for me? What am i supposed to do with it exactly?
> 
> Thanks much!
> 
> \- Jake

  


You figure it will be a bit until you get a reply, so you head out to get more carrots with which to feed your slimes. And maybe you could collect some for yourself, to see if they’re edible. You’re out for maybe five minutes before suddenly, you have a response. Oh! Prompt as usual! This is quite a handy service, really.

> **From:** Dirk Strider  
>  **To:** Jake English  
>  **Subject:** Re: Hello?
> 
> I’m assuming that you asking this means you’ve bought that ranch. I wasn’t exactly expecting that to happen, but...I guess I probably should have. Did they strip the place down? I’m guessing so, considering you’re asking for something as simple as a higher wall, but if I know the state of the ranch I can better help you out.
> 
> Also, just slot the cube into the external port on any corner of the corral. It will automatically install itself. You’re welcome.
> 
> \- Dirk

  


You read the message twice, trying to figure why this feels so strange to you. This doesn’t seem very professional or official of a service that the ranching community would provide. Granted, the field is still fairly new, but still. You’d have thought this would be the kind of thing droids would be sent to handle instead of one person you contact through starmail. You frown at your datapad and type up a reply as you go to test out this new gadget you’ve got.

> **From:** Jake English  
>  **To:** Dirk Strider  
>  **Subject:** Re: Re: Hello?
> 
> Well the shack was fairly barren, as is...everything else? The plort market terminal is quite functional and snazzy and the one working corral is operational for all that its too short. There are a number of broken teleporters and of course the request terminal. It seems a bit finicky but otherwise functional.
> 
> And that worked! Spectacular. But...in the interest of convenience and all if it was so simple why didnt you just install it yourself when you dropped it off?
> 
> \- Jake

  


> **From:** Dirk Strider  
>  **To:** Jake English  
>  **Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Hello?
> 
> Is there a sendificator? It should be right there. Right next to the terminal.

  


> **From:** Jake English  
>  **To:** Dirk Strider  
>  **Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Hello?
> 
> A what?

  


> **From:** Dirk Strider  
>  **To:** Jake English  
>  **Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hello?
> 
> A thing you can shoot shit into just like the plort market terminal.

  


This is such a bizarre conversation. You note the fact that he didn’t even acknowledge your question about installation. And you also belatedly realize that if he HAD dropped the item off, wouldn't he already know the state of the ranch? Regular people don't usually have access to drones to deliver things remotely, after all. Confusion aside, he seems a very...straightforward fellow? You head over to the request terminal and you look at that thing you thought was just an extra broken off lump or something

> **From:** Jake English  
>  **To:** Dirk Strider  
>  **Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hello?
> 
> Oh! Is THAT what that is? Holy smokes i must really be blind.
> 
> Why is that important?

  


> **From:** Dirk Strider  
>  **To:** Jake English  
>  **Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hello?
> 
> Perfect. And it’s important because otherwise this entire arrangement would have been a non-starter. Or did you think you’d just get stuff for free?
> 
> But I don’t really need money. What I need is resources. If you want something, you’re going to have to send me the resources I need to make it. Plus maybe an extra something, depending. You’re lucky a corral wall is about as simple to construct as paper.
> 
> Also, communicating via starmail like this is a pain in the ass. I’ll set up a direct communication relay for us to use instead. Use the terminal to submit what you need; I’ll fiddle with the system so it’ll tell you what materials will be required automatically. For anything more complicated than a very very simple question, use the relay. It will require a microphone. I don’t ever want to see more than five “Re:”s in the subject line of a starmail again.
> 
> \- Dirk

  


Oh. Well. You...suppose that’s that, then? You’re still not sure what to make of this person...Dirk, apparently. He doesn’t seem all that patient. You have a few more questions but you definitely don’t want to poke the bear. Instead you leave it at that, and eject your pink slimes back into their newly upgraded corral. Hah! Just tall enough that they can’t stack over it. Perfect. Feed them, collect plorts, sell plorts--done.

The process seems more tedious than it needs to be at the moment, but...it’s only your second day. You wait to see exactly what sort of ‘resources’ Mr. Strider will need from you for you to gain access to even the most basic of tools. This involves finishing your unpacking, eating more gross rations, ordering more food, and checking the request terminal every 45 minutes.

You watch as the interface transforms itself into more of a catalogue. A wall extension requires nothing, but a new corral just costs a few pink plorts. You can get a planter to automatically grow crops for you! How convenient! An auto-feeder and plort collector to add onto a corral...by the end of the day you’ve submitted at least four requests, considering all it costs are pink plorts for now. Though the further you look down the ever-expanding list, the materials required get more and more foreign.

Looks like you have quite a bit to discover around here. Normally something like this would be daunting, but...right now, you’re nothing but excited.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter was pretty damn short, so here's chapter 2, of a more respectable length I hope.

It’s been a week now, and thus far your adventure has gotten off to a fairly great start, in your opinion. It became quickly apparent that there were more slimes than just the pink variety, and imagine your delight when you discovered there’s a slime that is _literally a cat!_ You immediately scooped a bunch of them up and figured that, being cats, they probably wouldn’t be interested in eating carrots. You found out you could get a chicken coop from Dirk, plucked up a bunch of the poor critters from out in the range, and now you have a whole _system_.

Chicken coop for your tabby’s, the carrots growing in a plot for your pinks, and...well...

There’s one other sort of slime you’ve found. These ones are blue and have incredibly sharp spikes all over. You, now incredibly fond of spending at least 10 minutes a day petting your cat slimes, found this a bit...disconcerting. They’re just as friendly and amicable as any other slime, smiling the day away, but it’s much less cute or endearing for them to hop around your feet as the others would. Granted, you were initially a bit taken aback when you watched your tabby slime swallow a chicken whole just as gleefully as it does anything else, but really that’s preferable to any sort of gorey display. But when the blue ones curl up in a ball...you can hardly be blamed for wanting to stay several dozen feet away as they tear up the ground around them.

However, you’ve found you are in dire need of funds lately, considering how expensive it is to get decent food delivered to you, and despite Dirk’s assertion he wouldn’t need money for his services it’s almost more convenient to give him that than figure out where to find some of the strange materials he asks for. A diamond? Jellystone? You’d ask where to find these things but you don’t think you could just ask the one question, and you really haven’t been eager to figure out how to get your microphone working, and....well, the rock plorts pay much better dividends than the pinks, and chickens are much more difficult to come by than carrots!

So. One corral for six pink slimes, one for seven cat slimes, and one for...one rock slime.

Just the one! You can handle one. Stay far away from it, heavily utilize the plort collector feature offered by your neighborhood mechanic, and you’re fine!

That being said, getting all of this set up hasn’t exactly been a breeze. Your vacc pack saves you quite a lot of trouble plucking carrots and nabbing chickens, but it’s still a lot of frantic running around when you get further out and are simply SURROUNDED my slimes on all sides. The further out you go, the more places you realize there are to explore, and it’s a bit disappointing and time-consuming to need to constantly trek back to ensure your slimes and chickens are fed, your crops are watered, your...oh boy.

Who could blame you for taking a break? An extra long nap, a few movies...your ranch will be fine on its own for a bit won’t it?

You even take some time for a relaxing shower. All that sweat and dirt you’ve built up washed away, leaving you feeling refreshed and ready to tackle the day. So when you step out onto your ranch in high spirits, basking in the morning light, you definitely were not expecting what you found. Though you suppose you should.

ONE measly pink slime remains in it’s corral, and there are only _two_ chickens remaining in your coop. Instead you have pink slimes roaming free, pink plorts everywhere, and...what on _earth_ happened to your blue slime?!

It’s grown twice the size and is now pink! Still with rocks of course, but...pink? Damn the blazes, you have no idea what’s going on. This is what you get for leaving it all unattended for so long! Did your pink slimes eat the chickens? You didn’t think they’d eat chickens!

You mutter all this to yourself as you quickly vacc up your pinks once more, stuffing them full of carrots and quickly feeding the sad two remaining chickens to your cat slimes. The other five kitties look so hungry...oh, this is all your fault.

Tentatively, you toss a carrot to...you suppose it isn’t blue anymore, so maybe you ought to just call it Spike. Spike eats the carrot as normal, and out comes a blue plort...AND a pink plort.

Unable to digest this, you do something perhaps unadvisable and ask for help.

> **From:** Jake English  
>  **To:** Dirk Strider  
>  **Subject:** HELP!!!
> 
> Now I know you said to use the relay or whatever but i just cant hack that at the moment. Disaster has struck! Did you know the pink ones eat meat? I didnt know that! And now theyve escaped and decimated my chicken population. My cat slimes are hungry and the blue one is pink now and twice as huge and can you PLEASE tell me what i need to do to fix all this?

  


You pace nervously for five minutes as you stare at your datapad and wait for a response. If you were in the habit of biting your nails, you’d be doing that too probably. Instead you just fidget like a toddler until finally, your inbox pings.

> **From:** Dirk Strider  
>  **To:** Jake English  
>  **Subject:** Calm the hell down.
> 
> There’s nothing to get your panties in a twist over, English. Your pink slimes did as they always do and got out, ate some hen hens, shat plort everywhere, and your rock slime ate one. No big deal. You’re lucky the tabbys didn’t do the same thing, otherwise you could have easily had a much, much bigger problem on your hands.
> 
> Shame about the hen hens. Those are a pain in the ass to keep stocked. But not a disaster. The rock-pink largo is probably better for you in the long run anyway.
> 
> I can send you some air nets tonight to keep this from happening again in the future, but you’re fine. If you have any more stupid questions, use the relay, okay? I swear to god it will make both our lives easier.

  


...This is utter gibberish to you. Reading the message over multiple times, you try and absorb the information, but all you’re left with is more questions. You want to ask, but Dirk likely won’t even bother to answer unless you use the communication relay like he asked. A glance at Spike, who is apparently called a Rock slime, or a largo or something?, convinces you that you really ought to just do as he says.

So you sigh and head inside, rummaging around your things until you pull out the headpiece. You stick it in your ear and angle the small microphone towards your mouth. It takes a bit of fiddling for a minute or two to make sure it works with your datapad. Then you take a deep breath, and press ‘call’.

The line beeps for a few seconds, and then you hear a click when the other end is picked up. You seize up a bit with nerves and swallow.

“H-hello? Dirk? Or...Mr. Strider, rather?”

You hear... _something_ that sounds like a voice on the other end, but it’s badly distorted and unintelligible. Huh.

Sitting back in your bed, you cross your legs and press the earpiece deeper into your ear, as if that will help somehow. “I think you’re cutting out. Um...?”

Then the line goes dead.

That was...unexpected. You take out your earpiece and inspect it some more, wondering if maybe it’s short-circuited and malfunctioned or something. This is incredibly inconvenient. You wonder if Dirk will be mad?

As you think that, your datapad beeps with a new starmail. Oh boy...

> **From:** Dirk Strider  
>  **To:** Jake English  
>  **Subject:** Well fuck.
> 
> Okay, so the relay didn’t work. Sorry about that. No idea what happened.
> 
> Well actually I have some idea. Try and reach me again later in the evening maybe, we’ll test it out then.
> 
> In the meantime...you know the internet exists, right? I know you’re green and all, but this is kind of ridiculous. If I have to tell you how to do a web search, you might not be cut out for this line of work, dude. Or for life in interstellar space in general.

  


The fact that apparently this wasn’t your fault slips your mind at the _gall_ of him! Is he calling you stupid? You only just started a week ago!! It’s hardly as if this is a _race !_

> **From:** Jake English  
>  **To:** Dirk Strider  
>  **Subject:** Excuse you!!
> 
> Why youve got some nerve! Im trying my best here you know? I dont appreciate being talked down to! Its not as if theres a HANDBOOK!

  


The reply is nearly instantaneous.

> **From:** Dirk Strider  
>  **To:** Jake English  
>  **Subject:** ......
> 
> There literally is. It’s called the slimepedia. Look it up.
> 
> And again: you’re welcome.

  


Instead of doing as he says, you angrily shut off your datapad and rip the headpiece off, slamming them onto your bed with a huff. You cross your arms and let your head hit your pillow, staring up at the ceiling. What a jerk! Ugh! You can’t believe you’re saddled with this guy as your sole contact out here! You know the _internet_ exists!!!

You stew for another twenty minutes or so in indignant rage. Inevitably, however, the embarrassment rises up from your gut and into your throat. Christ. Did you seriously not think to look up your questions on the net? What a _stupid_ mistake. Even worse, you have a witness to your complete lapse in regular brain function. Will he ever let you live it down? If he’s just going to be a jerk forever do you even _want_ to stay here? Maybe you can find another ranch to buy, or...find some _other_ planet to settle down on, or...

Fucking fiddlesticks. No, of course you’ll stay. You couldn’t bear to face your friends, especially Jane, if you ever had to tell them you changed your mind after only a week. You can hack it, jerk mechanics or no!

Setting your wounded pride aside, you pick your datapad back up and look up the ‘slimepedia’.

Boy howdy, should you have done this earlier.

Immediately you find an incredibly detailed database that answers all of your questions and then some. Spike is indeed called a rock slime, the pink slimes are omnivorous and will eat anything, and a largo is apparently the product of one slime taking on the characteristics of another slime whos plort it eats. And...slimes have _favorite foods ?_

After neglecting them so badly, you think sussing out these personal treats is the least you can do.

 

\--------

 

Apparently, pink slimes don’t have a favorite food. Which is fair, in your opinion, considering they were the ones who had their way with your hen hens. (They are, in fact, not chickens. You are on an alien planet that just so happens to have alien versions of chickens and carrots.) Not to mention, if you had to look for a _third_ food variety, you likely would be out on the range even longer. As it is, it takes you until sundown for you to find any stony hens, which are the tabbys favorite. You’re not sure what the difference is exactly but you haven’t quite reached the point where you’re willing to hand-butcher an alien chicken for something to eat.

Heart beets also prove to be somewhat difficult to find. But when you do find them, oh boy do you find them! You manage to snag at least a dozen of them before you’re forced to head back. Which is just fine by you, because you aren’t interested in lingering in an area full of rambunctious rock slimes. You would have stuck around a bit more, considering you saw a new path to go down, but...you’ve left your slimes waiting long enough.

As you walk, you take one of the heart beets out of your backpack and inspect it. You’ve tried the carrots around here already--steamed one up. It tasted mostly like a carrot except somehow much sweeter. You’ve never exactly been a huge fan of beets, especially not by themselves, but maybe this version will taste good?

“...To hell with it, why not?” You say to yourself, and take a bite.

Then immediately spit it out oh _god_. It has the texture of sandpaper and it’s crunchy yet also somehow slimey and...!

As you poor water into your mouth from the sink of your kitchen, you are very glad there were no witnesses _that_ time.

Which is a fine mood to be in when you finally attend to your slimes, only to see the smiles gone from all of their faces, replaced by frowns of obvious hunger. Oh, what have you done?

Whispering sincere apologies, you give the stony hens to your tabbys, and feel the guilt recede at how overjoyed they are at the treat. Not even the panicked squack of the hens as they’re consumed whole bothers you in the face of their smiles returning. The pinks make do with more carrots, but they’re just as happy to have something to eat.

Then...there’s Spike. Oh, he looks the most miserable of all. Yet you shuffle from foot to foot, looking at the heart beet, unsure how to proceed.

“Now...Spike,” you say carefully, drawing his attention to you. “I hope you aren’t too cross with me. I’ve got a nice treat for you! Surely that’s worth the wait?” You get nothing in response of course, considering you doubt slimes have any manner of intelligence whatsoever.

You sigh and watch as Spike catches sight of the vegetable in your hand and immediately starts to hop towards you. His sharp points glint in the last rays of sunlight, and he’s so much _bigger_ than the other slimes--it makes you step back a bit in surprise. You just toss the thing at its mouth instead, somewhat unceremoniously. That doesn’t seem to matter, though, because it is immediately caught and swallowed with a very loud crunch, and you in fact watch him take his time to chew and see his face transform from melancholy to glee.

Spike hops around, twirls, makes several happy noises, and looks at you with what you’d like to interpret as gratitude before his face screws up and....holy mackerel, is that _four_ plorts? From _one_ bit of food??? And he’s so...cute! There he goes bouncing around like you’ve just made his day!

Okay. You think you see what Dirk meant by a largo being better for you in the long run.

You stay there with Spike for a bit and just watch him go about his business. You’re protected by the walls of the corral for when he gets excited over something or other and curls up into a ball, but even so the very loud sound he makes upon contact with literally anything. It makes you nervous thinking about whether he could get out. But Dirk DID say he’d get you some air nets, apparently, so...

Briefly you wonder why it’s taken so long for him to get that for you. He’s usually so quick about it. And maybe you wouldn’t mind seeing him in person. It might ease your anxieties about talking to him simply with your voice. It’s so difficult to be put on the spot in a conversation without even being able to read a person’s body language! And he seems something of an irritable fellow...

Oh. Speaking of the mechanic, you remember he’d asked you to contact him via the relay once more come evening. Which is what it is now. You left your headpiece inside, though, and...what do you even have to talk about anymore? For once, you have no further questions. In fact, if you’re lucky, maybe you won’t need to use the relay at all! Ever!

What if he’ll be mad you ignored him? Well...to be honest, you think it’s a bit ridiculous he’s so insistent on this. If he’s really so intent on not using starmail, surely it would be easier to just knock on your door when he comes by to deliver your requested items? Assuming that’s what he’s doing, though you can’t imagine what else it could be.

And you’re a busy guy! Who’s to say you didn’t just forget? He could _hardly_ take offense at that. It happens to the best of us doesn’t it? Aside from the fact that you didn’t forget. But you _nearly_ did, and if you don’t go through with calling him, it’s effectively the same thing isn’t it? Exactly!

So instead you, the busy guy you are, are going out again on the range for a quick nightly stroll. And oops, you forgot your headpiece at home. Silly you! Shame, that.

It’s nice out! The heat has completely died down to a very manageable and pleasant temperature--nearly chilly. And for once, there aren’t so many pink slimes about. Interesting. You take a whiff of the crisp air and feel your nerves settle just a bit. This is incredibly relaxing. Should have done this earlier.

You decide to head over to that new path you’d found by another cliff which you couldn’t go down earlier. It’s from an area with a normally high concentration of slimes if you recall, but you can handle it you think.

Once you do get there, you notice that there are quite a lot of largos, now. Rock and tabby looks especially strange when put together, but you just chuckle at it and keep your distance as per usual. But then, out of the corner of your eye, you see...a light.

Turning around, suddenly there are slimes popping out of the ground, and they’re purple and have little wings and _glow_ light fireflies. You gape. They are positively _adorable_!! You don’t even bother trying to look them up on the slimepedia before you scramble for your vacc pack.

You’re just about to pick up as many of them as you can, but there are so many random plorts lying about that nearly all of them almost immediately snatch one up and--more largos. Wonderful. Your vacc pack is entirely useless as they’re just too big to suck up, now. Instead the glowy-pink largo you tried to nab just stays attached to the front of the vacuum and blinks at you. You huff in disappointment and shoot it back into the group. Perhaps another day.

As it lands with a now familiar ‘hup’, it bumps up against a tabby-rock largo who’s just eaten its fill of heart beets, apparently, and after a second it reaches down to lap up one of the tabby plorts on the ground.

Immediately, and to your horror, instead of simply growing ears like a tabby as you might have expected, the slime transforms into something different entirely. A large black ball of goop with a face not unlike a carved pumpkin, full of malice. All the slimes around it immediately jump and cry out, many of them attempting to hop away. You yourself are so shocked, you’re frozen in place. All you can do is watch as the thing, with a deep disgusting grunt, shoots out a lump of gross black slime that attaches to the poor rock-tabby largo next to it and slowly drags it towards its mouth.

It squeaks in fear and it looks so _scared_ , eyes bugged out and looking right at you.

You don’t really think, honestly. You don’t know what this thing is, or what it will or could do to you, but you simply can’t let that happen. The two of them are near the cliff overlooking the slime sea, and you find yourself running at them before you’ve even registered your own movement. Once you do, instead of saying something cool or badass or bond-like or whatever, you just kind of awkwardly scream and kick the dastardly fiend with all your might off of the cliffside.

It feels not unlike kicking a deflated soccer ball, and sounds a bit like it too. The thing grunts and goes flying, making a sound you might call a roar as it falls towards the sea, staring you down the whole time.

But then it’s gone, it’s would-be victim rolling around in confusion, but safe. You blink and realize you’re a bit out of breath, shaking. No-one mentioned anything like _that_ when you started thinking about moving out here...

Your attention turns to the rock-tabby slime. It appears to be calming down. Suddenly, it’s spikes don’t seem so intimidating anymore.

 

\--------

 

When you get back to the ranch, you see in front of your door three packages. Oh. The air nets. You check your datapad and see no new messages from Dirk. Instead, in the requests terminal there is a new yet already greyed-out item.

> **ITEM:** 3 Air Nets
> 
> **DESCRIPTION:** A force barrier that covers the top of a corral. It can take a few hits before needing to recharge.
> 
> **COST:** None.
> 
> **REQUESTED:** 6-22-2308
> 
> **DELIVERED:** 6-22-2308
> 
> **DELIVERY NOTE:** Guess we’ll talk some other time.

  


...Oh. So....no hard feelings then?

You do feel a _little_ bad, but. It’s not as if there’s a rush or anything, and...you don’t feel like talking to anyone right now. Instead, you go looking for your pair of gardening gloves and put them on.

Spike is in his corral, looking about as drowsy as you feel. But you bring him another heart beet and actually step through the wall and into his domainl. His mouth makes an ‘o’ shape at you of surprise, you think, but then it’s gone and instead he’s happily chowing down on the vegetable.

You kneel down and very, very carefully pat his mostly-smooth side with your gloved hand. “There, there. You’re alright, aren’t you?”

Spike makes a gurgle that sounds almost like ‘wheeee!’.

“D’aw,” you chuckle. “I think I’ll be bringing you some friends later. I could definitely use more rock plorts. Don’t want you getting lonely!” You don’t get a response this time. Spike just rolls off to his side and giggles. You sigh.

“I’m not going to let anything happen to you,” you swear, entirely serious. “You’re my responsibility now. Right? Sharp edges and all.”

Then Spike starts vibrating a bit, which breaks the moment entirely as you are forced to make a speedy retreat so Spike can roll up in a ball and tear up the ground, rather than your skin. Cute, but. Still not very cuddly.

You make sure all of your other slimes get a bit more of your time. In fact, you find yourself lying down on your back amongst your tabby slimes, and the sensation of them hopping all over you is actually quite relaxing. When one of them appears to fall asleep on your stomach, well....guess you’re trapped now. Nothing to be done about it. You can stay a _little_ longer.

For the first time, looking up at the sky, you get a good look at the moon. It’s very, very large, taking up much more of the sky than the sun. And unbelievably, it...is that a _face_? A slime face?

Good grief. This place.

You could get used to it, though.

 

> **From:** Jake English  
>  **To:** Jade Harley  
>  **Subject:** Progress report.
> 
> Its been a week dear cousin and boy oh boy is this something of a never ending ride. Every day involves a LOT of work ensuring my charges are safe and happy. And ive only found i think four of what must be over a dozen different types of slimes! Its insanity!
> 
> But just look at this face jade. Look at it.  
> 
> 
> Could i ever abandon that face? No i think not! Im reminded of halley every day now. How is becquerel by the by? I certainly hope hes living up that doggy dog life.
> 
> There is a lot involved in being a slime rancher that I WILL ADMIT i wasnt entirely prepared for. But if you already expect everything that happens in an adventure could you really call it an adventure? You know me ill just keep rolling with those punches and make a fortune! Just you wait!
> 
> Please do write back again soon wont you? I think the biggest downside of this move thus far is how they havent even set up any comm satellites out here yet. The reception is utterly bonkers terrible and no instant messaging service works properly over distances this large. Maybe when i get more newbucks than i can handle ill just buy and set up my own huh?
> 
> With love!
> 
> \- Jake


	3. Chapter 3

 

> **From:** Jane Crocker  
>  **To:** Jake English  
>  **Subject:** Missing you.
> 
> Jake,
> 
> I was very glad to hear that you had arrived at the Far Far Range a week or so ago. Apparently, you’ve been very busy, so of course there aren’t any hard feelings that you didn’t see fit to let me know personally. I know you worry about that kind of thing!
> 
> It’s been a long year, you know, with you gone. I of course keep busy myself, overseeing the goings on of an intergalactic corporation. I actually looked into the closest property we have near you, and it’s not that far. Crockercorp has been working on some cutting-edge advancements of teleportation technology and we’ve made quite a lot of progress in the last year. Considering the real estate of the Far Far Range, who knows? We might set something up there in the near future, if we’re able to work around 7Zee Corp. Then, when you decide to come home, instead of a year in cryosleep it will only be a matter of hopping a few portals. Or at the very least your friends could go visit you and your ranch.
> 
> I hope you’ve been enjoying yourself on this adventure you wanted so badly to have, and don’t feel too homesick! We all miss you quite a bit on our end, but I have a good feeling we’ll be seeing each other sooner rather than later, one way or another.
> 
> With love,
> 
> Jane

  
You hardly caught a wink of rest, because of this. Lying in bed and staring at your datapad, you can feel your stomach doing various complicated acrobatic maneuvers. Your limbs feel jittery, your throat a bit tight. You feel like running somewhere but you’re too tired, and where on earth to? Certainly not earth. God, not earth. You swallow.

‘Sooner rather than later, one way or another’, she said. Jade has been supportive, or at the very least eager for pictures of more slimes. Jane however...

Well, you don’t think she ever believed in you in the first place. Not once, since you were both small. Maybe because there isn’t much to have faith in, when it comes to you.

Your chest hurts. You aren’t getting any sleep like this, and the walls of your tiny shack seem as if they’ll close in on you at any moment. Before this can get any worse, you hop out of bed and grab your things. With your vacc pack clutched in your hands, you feel just a tiny bit more in control.

Your slimes are all asleep and don’t need attending to. The sun hasn’t even risen yet. You make sure to vacc up a container full of water before going anywhere, since learning about the Tarr. Apparently two splashes of water is more effective than a dropkick as an anti-tarr measure, but you have yet to see the data. Still, better safe than sorry, especially now.

You match your breathing with the sound of the slime sea ebbing and flowing, and by the time you’ve walked about a half a mile away from the ranch, you no longer feel like you’re going to be sick. Which is something, at least.

Instead of wandering much further out, you climb up a relatively short rock wall facing the sea, sitting on top and curling your knees to your chest. You breathe some more.

It’s a really great view. As you look, you spot small islands you wonder how you could get to someday. You know how dangerous the slime sea is, however, so you think you’ll leave that for a much later date. Because you’ll be staying here a long, long while. This is your new life. It’s perfect for you, and you’re here for a reason. Jane can brag about her hypothetical hostile corporate takeovers all she likes, but she can’t take this away from you.

Looking away from the sea, you spot something else. Those lights again. The firefly slimes. Or rather phosphor apparently, according to the slimepedia.

There are way more here than there were before. They’re just...floating around, flapping their little wings without a care in the world. The brightness of the lights inside their cute round bodies fluctuates slowly in a way that has you utterly transfixed.

Some more of them pop out of the ground near you, and one floats pretty close. Oh, look, it has little antennae....and it smiles at you, light flickering as it flutters its wings, like a hello.

“...Hello to you too,” you say, and it’s difficult NOT to smile back. “You’re a pretty thing, aren’t you? Funny I haven’t seen more of you about before now. Only come out at night, do you?”

You get a happy little chirp in response, and then it does a little roll in the air. Haha. Okay. _“You’re_ quite the charmer, huh?” It’s nice, to talk to slimes. They’re only ever happy to see you, have no expectations of you whatsoever, and are incredibly easy to please. Much better company than most people, really.

“Maybe I should take a few of you back with me before sunrise. I didn’t get the chance before.” You ready your vacc pack and point it at the slime. “Are you volunteering to be first?”

It makes a ‘bvvvrt’ noise, and you chuckle before sucking it up. Okay. You feel much better. You think if you had a whole swarm of these to look at every night, you’d be able to ward off nightmares forever. Soooo....you nab way more than a few. Probably a few too many. But fifteen is fine, right? Besides, expanding your ranch is necessary!

You are in much better spirits on your trip back to the ranch, even though you’re still very tired. But you don’t think you’ll get the luxury of sleeping in, considering everything that needs doing. You see the first rays of sunrise as you assess your slimes.

You previously put a number of rock slimes in with Spike, and the plort collector has been working wonders in preventing you from needing to enter the corral, considering the danger. But now there are TWO Spikes -- meaning, two rock-pink largos. If you fed some of your pink plorts from your pink slimes to the remaining rocks, you’d have seven largos, and you’d be getting double the pink plorts from them than you do from the plain ol’ pinks...and the phosphors need a corral...

You head over to your pinks and wonder what the thing to do is. Every one of these slimes has brought you such joy, and the idea of ousting any of them makes you feel guilty just thinking it. But you’re so _tired_ , and at the moment the pinks are...redundant! They’re more work than they’re worth! The space they and their carrots take up could be given to the phosphors. You’d have more income and the exact same amount of work.

You chew on your lip as you consider this, before you come to a sickening realization. More trouble than they’re worth? Redundant? Maximizing profits??? You’re thinking like _Jane._

You give you head a quick shake to right your thoughts. It’s just that you have her on the brain, is all. She was always good at making you pretend to be like her. You just went into autopilot mode. Right.

Besides, you haven’t even properly looked up what the phosphors need. Pink plorts are also the most common resource needed for Dirk’s upgrades. _Money_ isn’t everything.

Instead of thinking any more on ousting a single one of your beloved slimes, you bring up the slimepedia and look further into how to properly care for a phosphor slime.

They eat fruit, apparently, which means you could feed them some of the numerous pogo fruits lying around. Their favorite food is cubeberry’s, which you’ll need to go looking for. You read more...“Phosphor slimes have special needs compared to your typical slime.” Aha! You were right! See? It doesn’t do to be so hastey.

“A phosphor slime and its plorts will quickly vanish...” you read out loud, “if exposed to sunlight.” It takes you a few more seconds to process this. You look up at the now rising sun. Oh.

Fiddlesticks.

Well, you were right again, you suppose. If you’d put the phosphors in the pinks’ corral, they would all have _died_ and you’d be the _WORST._ But now you’re at a loss. What are you supposed to do?? The slimepedia suggests vaccing them all up before sunrise, but that is just...far too much additional work for you, with potentially disastrous consequences if you flub up! The only other option appears to be housing them in a cave.

Is there a cave you can put them in? You think so, actually. The ranch seems to have quite a bit more space to it, but that is square footage you realized didn’t actually belong to you. But...what’s the harm, really? Who’s around to scold you for using land five feet from your property, huh?

Looking to the right, you see the little path that seems to lead to nowhere. Upon closer inspection, it leads into the cliff face. So...a cave! Perfect.

When you attempt to step _into_ the cave, however, you do not expect to walk face-first into an energy barrier.

“Gah!” You reel back and immediately rub your aching nose, getting a better look at what you just ran into. A red energy barrier spans the entire mouth of the cave. What the hell?!

You look around, trying to suss out more information, but your eyes have started to water from the hard hid to your nose and your vision is a bit blurry. Frustrated, you give up with a huff and quickly head back inside, taking out your datapad and addressing the only person you have to ask about things like this.

> **From:** Jake English  
>  **To:** Dirk Strider  
>  **Subject:** Who put up this blasted FENCE!!!
> 
> Dirk there is a cave that might as well be smack dab on my property that is blocked off by some mysterious energy barrier! I need to use that cave! Do you know who put it there? How do i get rid of it???

  
You pace back and forth in front of your small bed as you wait for a reply, which doesn’t come with it’s usual swiftness. At the worst time!! You go back outside and angrily pace some more in front of the barrier, occasionally kicking it for good measure. Then finally, after fifteen minutes, you get a response.

> **From:** Dirk Strider  
>  **To:** Jake English  
>  **Subject:** Re: Who put up this blasted FENCE!!!
> 
> That would be the grotto you’re trying to get into. And your problem would be that the ranch was reclaimed by 7Zee corp. You presumably bought the ranch from 7Zee, but not the accessories. 7Zee owns the rest of the ranch’s land. You will need to buy the land to use it.
> 
> 7Zee is a bitch like that. The energy barriers are stupidly excessive but thems the breaks.
> 
> Don’t ask me to explain why giant corporate entities do this shit. I don’t know and it’s not my problem. It’s yours now.

  
The wording of his starmail is even more terse than usual, which is saying something. It gives you pause. Maybe he _is_ upset with you that you blew--er FORGOT to use his relay that one time...

No. That can’t be it. He would have said something! Right?

Whatever. This isn’t your concern right now. You have phosphor slimes who need a home! Dirk’s feelings can wait.

> **From:** Jake English  
>  **To:** Dirk Strider  
>  **Subject:** Re: Re: Who put up this blasted FENCE!!!
> 
> How do i do that? And for how much?? I dont have a lot!

  
This time, he responds within two minutes.

> **From:** Dirk Strider  
>  **To:** Jake English  
>  **Subject:** Oh my god.
> 
> You bought the fucking ranch the first time, don’t ask me.

  
Oh.

He is definitely mad at you. But he’s not actually _saying_ so...christ almighty, how do you always get yourself into these situations? What are you supposed to DO?

You have no clue, and just thinking about it makes your throat feel tight again. Instead, you focus on your current predicament. The grotto.

According to Dirk, you need to purchase the land same as you did the ranch. But that was a semi-complicated process with down payments and leases and bla bla bla. What hoops are they going to make you jump through?!

You go onto the 7Zee website with your datapad, and see that there have been some small changes to the layout in the last year. You have an account, apparently. Signing in is a bit troublesome, but you manage it. Once you do, you get a prompt about getting ‘promotions for the brand new 7Zee rewards club’, but...You just set that to ‘remind me later’. Now you go and look through your options.

It seems as if the rest of the property is, handilly enough, locked behind several simple but literal paywalls. A one-time fee will get you access to the grotto, and different fees for other...areas...

 _“Over 7000 Newbucks?!?!?!”_ You gape at the price and feel like fuming for a bit, and because there is nobody around to care, you do. You swear and kick the wall hard enough to hurt your foot, and then you have to nurse your poor toe while grumbling and imagining Jane _laughing_ at you about how you should have expected this, or about how Crockercorp would somehow be better. Right.

Well...it doesn’t seem like you have much of a choice. You have just over 3000 newbucks right now. If you work your slimes hard--including the pinks--and make those largos, maybe you will be able to afford it by tonight. You rub your eyes and let a wave of exhaustion wash over you, swallowing. You can sleep afterwards. You’ll sleep for a whole damn day. And live on cooked carrots for a few days afterwards, you guess.

 

\--------

 

The work is grueling, and the sun is hot, and you aren’t able to keep your promise to yourself that you’ll sleep later because halfway through the day you just _have_ to stop for a nap. You sleep for two hours and are back at it again. At least your slimes are happy for the food. You wish you could reap the benefits of the phosphor slimes, but of course, you can’t yet.

It’s just your luck that the price of pink plorts is on the rise today, and are 9 newbucks each instead of 7. Consider you now have 8 pink-rock largos, and each of them gives you two pink plort per heart beet, plus the additional 7 pink plort from the pink slimes, you get about 200 newbucks per round of feeding just from pink plorts alone. The rock plorts get you 240, and the tabby plorts 80, unless you’re able to scrounge up some stony hens. The hardest part is getting all of the food, really, and trying to feed your slimes as much as possible. You never thought you’d be frustrated at them _not_ eating, but here you are.

As it is, it takes 9 full rounds of feeding to get you just up to where you need to be, at which point the sun has already set, and you have run yourself pretty ragged. Luckily you’ve managed to accumulate quite a lot of pogo fruit on each of your outings, so the phosphors won’t be going hungry any time soon.

A flood of relief fills you when, at some point a bit before midnight, you’re able to go onto your datapad and press the simple but efficient “purchase” button, watch your bank account dry up, and the energy barrier disappear.

You stumble into the cave and...jesus mary and joseph, it’s so _cool_ inside. It nearly makes you tear up with relief. You immediately flop onto the ground and bask in the crisp, chilly air and the calming low lighting. This is your new favorite place. It’s yours now. You worked very hard to get it.

After another few minutes, once you’ve taken a bit to relax and catch your breath, you let out your phosphor slimes. Surely they don’t need a corral yet when they’ll be plenty cooped up in here. Immediately they float and hop around happily, and watching their lights bounce about brings you immense satisfaction. You toss out some pogo fruit for them to eat at their leisure.

As you watch, you think to yourself, this is quite a pretty picture. You’d like to remember this moment. So you get out your datapad, flip to the camera, and snap a photo. After you do, one of the phosphor slimes bounces close to you, and does its little flicker-flapping thing. You wave hello back. This must be the same one from before, right? Heh. You have a favorite.

They stay by you as you look at your photo. You’d like to send this to someone, you think. This is exactly the kind of thing you were thinking of when you first decided that slime ranching would be a great idea. The kind of thing that makes it all worthwhile.

You wonder if you ought to send this to Jane. No caption, no nothing. No reference to any of the things she said in her prickly starmail. Just a snapshot of you and your happy life that you have no intention of leaving any time soon. Maybe you like the idea of being petty about it, too.

But...no. No, you don’t want to give Jane an excuse to engage you further. That sort of thing always blows up in your face. And you think you’ve made a mess of things with enough people, lately.

So...instead...you act on a whim, you guess.

> **From:** Jake English  
>  **To:** Dirk Strider  
>  **Subject:** Thanks, chum.
> 
> \- Jake

  
You’re not entirely sure what you expect to happen, or what the point of this is. You just know Dirk is miffed at you and, thinking back, he’s done quite a lot for you without asking much at all in return. The least you can do is say thank you and send him a nice photo. Maybe he might find the look of a swarm of phosphors as calming as you do?

You shouldn’t be so surprised when you get a reply a few minutes later.

> **From:** Dirk Strider  
>  **To:** Jake English  
>  **Subject:** Okay?
> 
> What’s this supposed to mean? Congrats on buying the grotto? That was pretty fast. But what are you asking for? You’re always asking for SOMETHING.
> 
> Are you just going to be sending me photos to decipher the meaning of, now, instead of using the request system which is infinitely more convenient and organized?
> 
> And...you’re welcome, I guess. Not like I did much this time, though.

  
Oh, that makes you chuckle and smile a bit. Your phosphor buddy--you think you’ll call them Flash--chuckles right next to you. “He’s pretty wound up, isn’t he? Though I suppose I can’t blame him!”

> **From:** Jake English  
>  **To:** Dirk Strider  
>  **Subject:** Okay!
> 
> Im not asking for anything!! I just thought youd find it pretty.
> 
> If that BOTHERS you i can keep my memoirs to myself from now on! Good grief. No need to get your briefs in a bunch over every little thing.

> **From:** Dirk Strider  
>  **To:** Jake English  
>  **Subject:** Re: Okay!
> 
> Oh. Well...whatever, I guess that’s fine. No idea why you’d want to send me photos, but do what you want.

  
Heh. Well, would you look at that. You managed to smooth things over pretty well there! Genius, in retrospect. If just one nice photo went that well, maybe you can do even better with one more. He DID just give you permission to send as many as you like, basically.

“What do you think, Flash?” You ask your slime pal, and of course, you just get a quiet murmur and a smile in response. “Hmmm. You know, I think I like your style.”

> **From:** Jake English  
>  **To:** Dirk Strider  
>  **Subject:** Splendid. ;)8
> 
>   
> 

Now that’s a nice photo, you think. Really one for the scrap books. You make sure to save it after you send it off to Dirk, and you lean back, feeling content. Maybe you could nap in here? Granted, the last time you slept on the ground, your back ached for hours upon waking. But it’s so _nice_ in here...

You lie down with Flash floating near you and let out a breath. Yeah. A nap sounds great. You close your eyes and just listen to the sound of your slimes...

Annnd you get another response.

> **From:** Dirk Strider  
>  **To:** Jake English  
>  **Subject:** Huh.
> 
> ...So I’m guessing that’s you?

  
You huff at the curious message. Oh boy. You can sense this might become a Thing.

> **From:** Jake English  
>  **To:** Dirk Strider  
>  **Subject:** “Huh”???
> 
> What is THAT supposed to mean? Of course it is! Who else would it be?!

> **From:** Dirk Strider  
>  **To:** Jake English  
>  **Subject:** Yes. Huh.
> 
> Just not what I was expecting, is all. You don’t really give the impression that you...look like that.

> **From:** Jake English  
>  **To:** Dirk Strider  
>  **Subject:** ?!?!?!
> 
> What WERE you expecting?! Some old fuddy duddy????

You’ve gotten back up now. Your cheeks are burning with embarrassment. You aren’t completely stupid. People have made fun of the way you talk before. You just hardly paid it much mind since the people who mattered didn’t mind or bring attention to it, and you’ve been on your own for long enough now...

> **From:** Dirk Strider  
>  **To:** Jake English  
>  **Subject:** Kids these days.
> 
> How do you know I’m not? You might have just committed a serious faux-paus there, English.

  
...What? That. _No._ Dirk is nothing like that! He’s too...

Well. You suppose he COULD be considered ‘crotchety’. And he does seem very experienced. What if he IS way older than you? Did you just send a very personal selfie to some older man?!?! WITH A WINKY FACE???

> **From:** Jake English  
>  **To:** Dirk Strider  
>  **Subject:** Nice try!!
> 
> Youre NOT. No way!
> 
> ...Are you?

> **From:** Dirk Strider  
>  **To:** Jake English  
>  **Subject:** Get off my lawn.
> 
> Man, it’s almost like this is something you could probably find out by using that communication relay I set up explicitly for this purpose.
> 
> You know, for talking?

  
On your way back to the shack, you pause. Right. The relay. He still probably wants you to use that.

What would you even talk about? What’s the point? What if it’s awkward? And you’re so _tired_. You just want to sleep...

But you want Dirk to be mad at you even less. He’s the only person you have out here. He’s a bit bristly, yes, but he’s also obviously clever! And funny! And of course you’re relying on him quite a bit. If you piss him off again, who knows what could happen?

You sigh, head inside, and find your headpiece.

Briefly, you consider sending him a warning, but there’s hardly a point. Really, it’s best to just get this over with.

The line beeps again, just like last time. And you hear the chime signalling that the other end has been picked up.

“Fucking finally.”

Dirk’s voice is crisp, low, and level in your ear. The sound of it wakes you up a little with your surprise.

“Uh...hey,” you reply, probably a bit quiet. You’re hit with sudden nerves. Oh no. Oh no, this is going to be awkward. It’s already awkward!

“Yeah, Hi. Sorry for being such an asshole about this, but I really just wanted to make sure this thing _worked_. I wasn’t expecting those reception issues. As it is, I think the relay will probably only work well at night or the very early morning. Frustrating...” He sighs, and it makes his microphone pop pretty loudly. You wince a bit at that.

“No, it’s alright. That is a bit odd.” You curl up in bed and stifle a yawn. There’s something about his voice that seems determined to make you even more drowsy...

“No kidding. But like, if you’re cool with it, I’d much rather use this to answer your questions than fucking starmail. I don’t actually mind answering them, but it’s really difficult when both of us have to wait minutes for replies on shit like clarifications or details. This way we can get that kind of thing over with way faster, and we can have our hands free and...yeah.”

“That sounds just tickety boo to me.” You have to cover your mouth to yawn. As you do, you hear him let out a short amused huff.

“Damn. You’re something else, English.”

“Am I?”

“Yeah. Well, anyway, the point of this is technically for me to answer your questions more effectively. So...do you have any? Questions, that is.”

“Hmmm.” Your brain is feeling sluggish now. It’s stuck on the fact that he called you ‘something else’ in a nearly affectionate way. But. Questions. DO you have any questions? Yes. Yes, you do.

“...Did you really think I’m old?”

You hear him laugh. Wow. It sounds nice, that. “Well, cut me some slack here, alright? The way you type, you sounded like you’d be old for the _21st_ century, let alone the 23rd.”

“Heeeey...”

“Plus, how many times did I need to remind you about the internet existing?”

“I knew you wouldn’t let that go! Hell in a handbasket!”

“You’re right, I haven’t. Because it’s hilarious, in hindsight.”

You groan and flip over onto your other side in bed. “I have worked a long, HARD day. I was just about to finally hit the hay before you dragged me into this call. I don’t need to take this kind of slander!”

“Okay, okay, geez. Any other questions? If not, you can just go to bed. It’s whatever.”

You want to say no. But...uuugh, you do have another question, and this conversation hasn’t exactly been a hardship, no matter your insistence to the contrary. “Just one. How old ARE you?”

He pauses for a second. “...Twenty-five. At least, I think. Somewhere around there. When you’re out here long enough that kind of thing can be hard to keep track of, mentally.”

You smile. Triumphant! “Well I’m twenty-three. Er...actually, I did spend a year in cryosleep? So I might technically be twenty-four? Holy smokes, I didn’t even think about that...”

He hums sympathetically. The sound of it reverberates in your ear and makes you feel like yawning again. You can barely keep your eyes open. “Yeah, that’s where it starts. Luckily that kind of thing quickly matters less and less, so it’s no big deal.”

You yawn, and close your eyes.

“...I’ll let you go,” Dirk says, hushed. “Thanks for uh. Indulging me.”

“Not a problem,” you mumble, words beginning to slur together. “It was actually kind of nice...”

“Uh. Yeah...”

“....”

“....”

“Night, English.”

You don’t hear him hang up, because you’re already asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

When you wake up, you are immediately swept up in a whirlwind of activity once again. It’s certainly not as hectic as yesterday, but with the addition of your phosphors separated in the grotto, you’re forced to do a whole lot more dashing about. This makes taking care of everything take more time, which gives you more things that need doing, etc, etc. 

You KNOW all of this could be made easier if you had a more reliable way of feeding your tabby slimes. Which you could easily do by combining them with pinks, meaning they would eat anything, and you wouldn’t need to be constantly monitoring your chicken coop and could perhaps forgo keeping hen hens altogether, using the space for more gardens instead. But that’s a decision you can’t take back, and you would have far too many pink plorts and not enough tabby! Besides, wouldn’t it be a better idea to combine them with the *rocks*, perhaps, so they would be doubly satisfied by heart beets? That way you could theoretically feed three completely different slimes the same crop!

But then of course, that would mean you could no longer ever pet your tabbies again because of the spikes. And do you really have enough space for the amount of heart beets that would require? Having to divide them up amongst three different slime groups could be taxing as well. Not to mention your phosphors will still require fruit, and at the moment....you like your phosphors small and purple and adorable. 

Dirk just sent you an actual jetpack last night, along with a few other things. But a  _ jetpack.  _ You’re itching so badly to use it.

Really, you would rather be out exploring than running around like a chicken with its head cut off, constantly internally debating these kinds of decisions and ultimately making none of them. It crosses your mind that you could just leave things mostly finished and deal with the fallout later. But the idea of coming back to any of your slimes starving or unhappy makes you feel inordinately guilty. 

At most you’re able to give yourself short breaks to catch an episode of one of the myriad programs you want to watch. You missed a whole year of television, after all. You have quite a lot to catch up on.

But, finally, around sundown, you get it all done. Everything is in order for your slimes to be alright for a few hours without supervision. They’re all gearing up to sleep soon anyway, which gives you even more time. 

Before you leave, you run inside one last time to grab some snacks for the road. As you rummage about, you hear a familiar sound. It’s the beeping of your headpiece, lying on your bedside table. It’s green light is flashing, indicating you’re receiving something.

Curiously, you look at it for a second, a bit confused. Then of course, you grab it and accept the transmission. There’s only one thing it could be, after all.

“...Dirk?” you ask, still a bit bewildered.

“Hey. Hi. Yeah, it’s me.” You think Strider seems somewhat out of breath. You have no idea why. “Uh...checking to see how close to sundown this will work. Mostly, anyway,”

“Oh, is that all?” It’s a plausible excuse of course. You don’t entirely believe it, but you don’t really see any reason to debate it. You aren’t  _ displeased _ to hear from him, and you can of course take the headpiece with you wherever you go. Which you do, making sure it’s secure before grabbing your snacks and heading out the door. 

“Yeah. Also, wanted to check in on that jetpack I sent you. I know you didn’t exactly ask for it, but I had the materials to make it, and  _ I _ don’t need a second one, so...”

You smile and look up at the sky. “Oh! That! Dirk I have to say that might have been one of the best decisions you’ve made yet. I’ve been positively aching to use this thing all day but you just so happened to catch me right as I’m heading out to give it a whirl.”

There’s a pause on his end of the line as you pass the boundary of your Ranch, walking by several pink slimes and waving at them. Still cute as ever. “...Right. So I’m guessing this is bad timing? Should I go?”

“What? No!” you say quickly, surprised Dirk would even think that. “I’ve got a portable headpiece! This is actually perfect. You can make sure I use it properly in real time and all that.”

“Oh. Huh...” He trails off into momentary silence. It’s not that awkward to you, considering you’re walking around and enjoying the scenery. “Where are you headed?”

“Oooh I don’t know. Around?” you answer, taking a turn you hadn’t before, into a cave you’d been avoiding due to the numerous rock slimes normally haunting the entrance. “There are so many twisting paths to go down and explore. I hardly find the time to actually get to it anymore, what with how hectic the ranch can get.”

“Oh yeah? Already?” Dirk remarks, incredulous. “How many different types of slime do you have? Like...four? And you’re already having trouble.”

You halt your walking and frown, a little put off by his tone. “Well...yes?” 

“Alright. How do you have everything worked out?” What small amount of judgement you pick up from Dirk’s voice has gone, which is a relief. It makes you feel more comfortable actually talking about it as you make your way further into the cave.

You explain the layout of your ranch. The corral Dirk gifted you for your phosphors has helped immensely in collecting their plorts, but you still feel like the view is nicer when they can wander about...

“Well your first problem is that you only have one kind of largo,” Dirk explains. “If you combined your tabbys and phosphors you would easily halve your workload. Do you have any cuberries?”

“No...” you mumble, somewhat embarrassed. “I was hoping to find some while out today, in fact.”

“I could probably tell you where to find some, but I have no idea where you’ve been. They’re not actually that hard to find.”

“Is that so?” 

You’re only half listening, really. Instead, your attention has been drawn towards watching your step. Visibility isn’t  _ terrible _ in here _ ; _ there seems to be some property of the rocks here that give everything a very faint glow. It’s enough to see where you’re headed, but only if you look carefully. 

“I wonder if you could make night vision goggles,” you muse out loud. Then you realize you just cut Dirk off mid-sentence. He was still saying something about largos or whatever.

“...Okay?” You swear you can  _ hear _ his raised eyebrow. “I mean, you don’t really need anything like that in most places. There’s this crazy, ancient invention called a flashlight.”

You halt in place and feel your cheeks warm in mortification. “O-of course I knew that!!!” you stammer in an attempt to safe face. Night goggles??? What were you thinking?! Are you CAPABLE of having one conversation with Dirk that doesn’t end with you taking a metaphorical pie to the face??

“Yo? Jake? Are you even listening?” 

CRIPES. You missed more of what he was saying. Impulsively, you fumble with your headpiece, wondering if maybe you can just....hang up? You’re literally in a tunnel after all. The signal simply cut out! That’s plausible. Right?

“Uh...look, sorry, I must have been boring you. All those stupid logistics you can probably work out yourself. Where are you? You mentioned wanting to work the jetpack or whatever.”

...You can’t very well hang up on him  _ now. _ You swallow and force yourself forward again, instead. You can see what you think is moonlight up ahead, anyway. 

“You’re hardly boring,” you retort. “I just got distracted is all. I’ve no idea where I am. In a cave? That’s all I can really say.”

Dirk hums thoughtfully. You like the sound of it. “Well, tell me what you see when you make your way out. It’s a pretty straightforward path, right?”

“Right.” You step into a puddle of water, which catches you off guard. Ugh. Soggy shoes. Just great. Huffing, you quickly try to make your way back out into the open. Once you do, however,  you realize it isn’t quite so open. There are high rock walls on either side of you and a third, shorter one in front. “I’ve reached the end, but I don’t really know where I...

You trail off as a more thorough look around draws your attention to something curious. Very curious indeed. 

“Jake? Dude, you really need to stop doing that. Is this a thing with you? Just kind of tuning out of conversations?”

“Oh hush,” you snap. There’s no venom behind it, but it still manages to quiet Dirk enough to get a word in edgewise. “I think I found something.”

Dirk appears to realize that when you said ‘hush’, you hadn’t meant ‘forever’, but only after another awkward moment. “Oh. Great. A landmark. What is it?”

“A...door? I think?” 

At least, that’s the best thing you can think to call it. It’s some kind of circular stone structure embedded in the rock wall. It’s made up of multiple concentric circles of rock, each carved with some kind of indistinguishable random pattern. At the center is what you can only really call a...keyhole. Which is what lead you to call it a door. That, and the fact that it’s large enough for you to walk through easily, if it were open.

“A door.” Dirk echoes. “Circular? With a keyhole at the center?”

“Yes!” You shout, shocked Dirk caught on immediately. “Do you know what it is?”

“Yeah. That’s a slime gate.”

“...Huh...” You meander closer to it, quite awed. There’s this intense yet indistinct  _ feeling _ you get, being around this thing. A sense that what you’re looking at is very old, or has some sort of significance beyond your understanding. It’s a little disorienting, actually. Normally you’d be over the moon at finding something this cool, but you can’t really muster the energy for excitement at the moment. “...What IS it?”

“...I just told you. It’s a slime gate. The name’s pretty self-explanatory.”

You’re taken out of the strange stupor you’ve found yourself in by the strangeness of Dirk’s response. He seems awfully snippy, and not in the dripping-with-sarcasm way you’ve started to get used to. You’re reminded of the fact that you don’t really know anything at all about him. That bothers you a bit more than it should, you think.

“Now come on, don’t be that way. You know what I mean!” you huff. 

You get a long, drawn-out sigh. Then a few seconds of pregnant silence. Then a reply. “...Fine. Sorry. Thing is, nobody really knows what they are, or why. They’re just kind of there.”

“‘They’. Which implies there are more?” You remark, hung on Dirk’s every word for the first time in this conversation.

“Yeah. A handful of them scattered around. They tend to mark transitions between different areas of the Range. So when you find one, that’s a pretty decent indication there’s something new behind it.”

That sounds... _ more like it! _ Immediately you want to know what’s on the other side. You look all around the gate, running your hands along its surface to see if there’s any mechanism you need to unlock, or a puzzle to solve. Finally, that excitement comes rushing through you. “Eureka! How do I open this blasted thing, then??”

“Eh...that’s usually pretty difficult,” Dirk admits, and you can hear some kind of shuffling, like he’s moving about. “They stay locked tight unless you’re able to find the slime key that opens it.”

“Slime...key,” you echo. Hmmm! “Well that’s pleasantly straightforward isn’t it? You have a gate, get a key, open the gate! Easy as pie! Who came up with these brilliant naming conventions?”

Dirk makes a small, amused sort of sound. “Yeah. You definitely seem like you’d think that.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. Anyway, it sounds easy, but it really isn’t. A slime key could be literally anywhere, and not all slime keys open all doors. Some need specific ones, others require a specific type. It’s...pretty damn obtuse, honestly. Always made me think that either the doors are supposed to be opened or locked in a specific order, or somebody wanted to make it really hard to open them in the first place.”

You step away from the gate upon hearing that. That’s fairly disappointing. You sigh. “Then how am I supposed to get past this old thing?”

“You’re the one with the brand new jetpack. You tell me.”

It seems that one thing you know about Dirk is how easily he’s able to catch you with your pants down. You shake off the flush to your cheeks, though, because Dirk is right. 

“As a matter of fact, I DO have a jetpack.” You clear your throat and straighten your posture, looking up at the top of the wall you’ll want to scale. “How do I uh...use it?”

“Should be a trigger switch on the side you hold in your hand. It’s got one button. You press it, the jetpack lets you hover. Hold it, it’ll take you up gradually.”

“What? No blasting off?” You joke, as you look for the doohickey in question. Aha! 

“No blasting off. I mean, unless you’d like to blast your ass clean off with hundreds of newtons of force.”

You cough at the fact that Dirk just mentioned your ass. Maybe you shouldn’t be fixating on that? But you do, and you can’t help but smile and tease him about it. Turnabout is fair play, isn’t it? “I’m so grateful my good buddy Dirk Strider takes such great care in thinking about my vulnerable keister for me.”

“I...” Well would you listen to that? It seems you’ve finally got Strider at a loss for words. He takes his moment to formulate a response while you look for some leverage to start your ascent by hand before you go jetpacking. “Yeah, whatever, you’re welcome. It won’t take you very high from the ground at the moment so I recommend you--”   
  
“Climb? Already on it!” Your grin widens. You’ve gotten about five feet up already, which is about a quarter of the wayl. Dirk goes a bit quiet as you grunt and huff while clambering. You slip a bit as a handhold dislodges,making you gasp in surprise. But you’re quick to press the hover button, which causes your jetpack to keep you from falling. Holding it down, you’re able to slowly reach the next handhold. 

“Jake? You okay?” Dirk asks, quieter than usual. 

“I’m hunky dory! The pack worked like a charm!” you chirp. “Almost there...”

“Oh. Cool.” More quiet. You wonder what’s got into him? Or maybe nothing’s got into him at all, and these silences are just how he is. There do seem to be an awful lot of them. Not that you can afford to focus too hard on this train of thought, at the moment, as you’re forced to climb further while your jetpack recharges.

“I don’t suppose you could fix this up to take me higher?” You ask as you reach precariously for the top of the wall. 

“I could. But it’ll cost you, unfortunately.”

“Of course,” you grunt, lunging yourself up and finally, over the wall. Quickly you use your jetpack to lower yourself gently to the ground, and are finally able to look at where you are. “...Woooaah.”

“What you looking at, dude?” Dirk asks after a moment. What you’re looking at is a giant green crystalline structure jutting out of the ground! A bunch of them! Wow?!

“There’s...crystal! It’s huge!” You gape and smile, immediately walking over to touch it. It’s opaque and actually not all that smooth, but it’s cool to the touch. “Wow....”

“Crystal?” Dirk says thoughtfully. “Oh, right. Then you must be in the Indigo Quarry. Congrats.”

You’re surprised by that. You gave such a vague description. “...You know where I am?” 

“Yeah.”

“Have you....been here before?” You ask, looking back at the other side of the slime gate. It looks much the same. 

“...I have,” he answers, but he seems far more hesitant. 

So...if Dirk has been here, that must mean he’s  _ close, _ right? He must be, considering how he comes by every night to drop off your packages. Yet you’ve never caught a glimpse of him, and he’s never even considered sticking around to say hi. For that matter, if he’s so close by, and been to your ranch so many times, he must have seen your slimes! Why would have needed to ask about your ranch setup before if he’d already seen it?

Unless Dirk was just being polite and asking--or being  _ rude _ and asking? Cheese and fucking crackers, thinking about him can get you so confused.

“So....” you start, wandering around the small area you’ve found. “If you’ve been here...where are you now? As in--your ranch, I guess? You’re at your ranch?”

Another long pause. You worry your lip. Why is this such a loaded question? He knows where YOU are. Don’t you have a right to know the same? “I’m around. Don’t worry about that.”

“I’m not  _ worried. _ Why would I be?” That’s such an odd thing to say! You have no idea what’s going on in Dirk’s head, or what’s happened to this conversation. “I mean, really! I was just wondering if you’d like to stop by for a bite sometime or...something. Surely talking in person would be easier than all of this precarious back-and-forth?”

Dirk doesn’t say anything, so you just keep going. “Maybe...I’ll gather what you need for that jetpack upgrade, and when you drop it off maybe you could stick round for breakfast? Something like that?”

You aren’t expecting him to say anything, frustratingly enough. But you certainly aren’t expecting some kind of loud feedback noise to blast into your ear, making you cry out. You hear Dirk, whatever he was saying cut off and sounding much further away. “I--Ugh.......” More static and feedback. “Sorry--”

“What IS that noise??” You say, lowering the volume with your headpiece. 

Finally, after a second of hearing spatterings of nothing intelligible, Dirk’s voice is clear once again. “Look, I have to go. We’ll talk later.”

You feel all at once angry. What IS this? Dodging your perfectly reasonable questions and then all this weird bullfuckery?? The nerve he has, to be so short with you! “Now HOLD ON just ONE MINUTE--”

And then he hangs up on you. 

 

\--------

 

It takes several minutes of pacing for the nasty ball of emotions in your gut to untangle itself, and for rational thought to sink back in. Obviously Dirk was just having technical difficulties, or something went wrong on his ranch. He didn’t hang up on you out of spite.

Still. You do feel soundly rejected. You never know how to deal with these sorts of situations. It’s not easy for you in the first place, to ask someone out on....what, a date? Seriously? No, not a date. You weren’t asking Dirk  _ out _ out. You barely know him! 

Or were you? 

....Ooooh, no, you are not thinking about this. There are too many nasty things that spring into mind at the thought of dating, and Dirk, and you just want to forget all this thanks! You have an entire new area to explore! Who CARES about all that nonsense??

So instead of ruminating on something pointless and unpleasant, you go roaming around the Indigo Quarry. Upon climbing up and around a large crystal hill, you look down into a valley absolutely COVERED in slimes. Many of which you haven’t seen before. There are these bright green ones surrounded by intimidating glowing auras that make your skin prickle just being near them. You think you’ll keep your distance for now and look into them later. 

You use your jetpack to hop along a broken bridge and find even more new slimes. Ones that look quite a lot like rock slimes but _...prettier. _ And somehow even more treacherous. And are those red ones  _ exploding _ in the distance?

You avoid the dangerous-looking ones. You don’t feel like figuring out how to handle them right now. Maybe you should just head home, get some sleep, and come back later. But...was it those rocks you passed earlier? Which direction did you go from...

It’s fine. It’s no big deal. You can easily find your way back. This place can’t be  _ so _ big, can it? 

You wander some more. Your options are a bit limited in that department, anyway. But you are pleasantly surprised when instead of the way home, you find a small little alcove and what appears to be a quant hot spring. It’s...relaxing! The more rambunctious slimes are a further away, and honestly? Maybe you could do with a soothing dip in a warm, shallow pool like this. 

The air isn’t quite as humid in the Quarry as it is back in the Reef, but even at night the temperature on the Range is warm enough to be just about perfect for skinny dipping. Which might seem scandalous, but why should you care? You haven’t seen hide nor hair of any other human being in weeks. 

As you lower yourself into the water, you can’t help but muse about that. Does it bother you? No, you think. The company of your slimes has been plenty for you. Far more manageable than people, even if perhaps not as rewarding. And you do have Dirk to talk to, as terse and befuddling as he can be. You can chat with friends via starmail, too. So you don’t really feel  _ alone _ , forget...lonely.

And yet. There’s some nagging feeling you can’t identify, starting to slowly eat away at you. You don’t know what it is and you aren’t entirely sure you want to know. You sigh and lower yourself further into the water, up to your nose, so you can blow bubbles and just be amused by that instead.

You’re surprised, then, when you see bubbles being blown not just in front of you, but across the pond. You squint--you took off your glasses, so you can’t really see all that clearly. You stop blowing bubbles. The other bubbles stop in kind, but only after a second. You blow some more bubbles. After another second, the others start up again. You repeat this a few more times, getting increasingly confused as you are amused, when you hear a distinctly slime-like ‘brrrvvvvvvt’. 

“Okay, that does it,” you mutter, lifting your mouth out of the water. You carefully make your way to the other side of the pond, squinting as you try to make out this odd lump in the water that appears to be making these bubbles.

Except, when you get closer, you realize it’s not water. It’s a tiny, almost  _ baby- _ looking slime that is water-colored and...and...

Absolutely the most adorable thing you’ve ever  _ seen. _ You can’t NOT squeal a little bit. Look at it! It’s poking it’s little eyes up out of the water, making splashes, cute little noises as it makes eye contact with you and immediately tries to turn away. But it’s clumsy and bouncing about in the water, so it’s mostly unsuccessful. Your hands are on your cheeks and there might as well be stars in your eyes as you watch, beaming.

“ _ Hello _ there!” You say, in a baby-talk tone. It’s impossible to stop yourself. You receive another tiny ‘bvvvvt’ and some more bubbles in reply. “Awwwww....”

When you scoot closer, the baby slime looks even more as if it’s simply shy, even appearing to  _ blush, _ and doesn’t look at you directly. You reach a hand out to poke it. It makes a surprised noise, and does a spin in the water. You think you’re going to die of a mouth full of cavities from the sweetness. 

Immediately, you hop out of the water and don’t even bother to get dressed as you look on the slimepedia for information. It’s called a puddle slime--which is an adorable and perfect name--and, well, apparently the only thing it needs is...water. It doesn’t need to be fed, simply kept in water and given it’s personal space.

It’s as if you’ve found a kindred spirit.

Drying off as best you can, you grab your vacc pack and make sure to suck up the little guy quick. What should you call it? Maybe...Drip? Yeah. You like the sound of that. It’s cute. 

It takes you a bit of time to find your way back to the slime gate. You weren’t THAT lost, but you had wandered off aways. You figure it will be much easier to get back over the gate, because you can simply jump off from high ground and hover over.

Except, as you go to do that, you find your eyes drawn down to the gate again. Your furver to get home dies down, and that strange feeling you got earlier returns. You feel drawn to it. Before you realize it, you’re already in front of it again.

You run your hand along the stone and find yourself tracing your fingers into the carving. It’s so pristine, perfectly etched into the rock. Machine-perfect, really. And the purpose of such a thing seems so alien and strange that you can’t even begin to postulate at anything. Maybe Dirk could. He seemed to have some ideas.

You wonder about Dirk. How he said he’d been to the indigo quarry. How he knew about the cave, and the gate. Had Dirk seen this exact slime gate before? Had he stood, at some point, exactly where you stand right now? What about anyone else? You know there are other ranchers on this planet aside from you and Dirk, though it is a fairly new field. But you haven’t seen anyone, or any evidence of other people at all, really. 

Is there a reason Dirk doesn’t want to say hi? To stop by for even a moment? Is it something you said? Is he maybe just shy, like the puddle slime? 

You have the sneaking suspicion whatever the truth, it doesn’t change the reality on your end of things. Sooner or later, you’ll need to be the one to find Dirk, rather than the other way around. Maybe you can surprise him. Hell, maybe Dirk is just waiting behind one of these gates, and you’ll give him the shock of his life opening it and demanding some damn waffle time. And really, even if he isn’t  _ literally _ behind a gate, as far as you’re concerned he might as well be. 

If you find one, there’s bound to be something new behind it, right?

 

\--------

 

When you finally barge back into your shack, you’re exhausted. But you can’t fall into bed just yet. Even though the sun is poised to rise at any moment, you take a little extra time to fill your bathtub up and release Drip into it with a small splash. It makes you smile.

He does a few spins and wanders a little around the tub curiously, but seems to be happy to settle into a corner, facing away from you. You yawn, smiling at that. You draw the shower curtain so he can have his privacy. 

Well. Of course you snapped a photo or two before then, but. What do slimes know about cameras, really? 

Flopping into bed, you think maybe you just ought to pass out. But before you do, you just have to do one last thing first.

> **From:** Jake English  
>  **To:** Dirk Strider:  
>  **Subject:** _(.   .)_  
>   
> 

You don’t stay awake long enough to see if you get a reply. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My god do I love puddle slimes.


	5. Chapter 5

 

 

> **From:** Jade Harley
> 
> **To:** Jake English  
>  **Subject:** Re: Happy Birthday!!
> 
> thanks so much for the birthday wishes jake!!! :D and the same for you of course you big doofus. did you really not do much of anything? i wish i could send you actual physical stuff but i cant plan gifts a year in advance... although i guess jane has been talking a whole lot about setting up warps closer to the ffr so maybe that wont be the case forever? looking forward to that!
> 
> i missed you a lot last year but this year things were much better. we had a big party and jane baked a cake and a bunch of muffins and it smelled amaaaaaazing!!!! im not gonna lie we had some pastries and sweets with peanuts in it hehehe :P poor john!
> 
> it was weird celebrating JUST my birthday and not yours too. we did send you that picture of the big card we all signed! but john and rose and dave and i went to this big fancy restaurant after the party and it was great!
> 
> i hope you had as much fun as i did out there on your big adventure!!! we all miss you like CRAZY!!! <3
> 
> \- jade
> 
> P.S. SEND MORE SLIME PICS.

  
Despite the cheery nature of this message, you find yourself reading each paragraph multiple times over with a frown on your face. It’s obvious that Jade meant no ill will, and yet there’s a sour feeling in your gut that grows and grows the more you think about it.

You were lucky you didn’t completely forget Jade’s birthday altogether, given how discombobulated your sense of time has gotten. It’s difficult to absorb that since you embarked on your journey what feels like just over a month ago, you are now _two_ years older. And so is Jade.

You’ve missed so much. And despite Jade’s assurances that you’re just as missed, it doesn’t really feel like it. Peanut-filled pastries despite John being there? As if it were only you holding everyone back from enjoying food they liked. It wasn’t awkward despite Jane being there, specifically because you weren’t. And you don’t dare think too hard about the deluxe dinner party.

You don’t think you can bring yourself to write back a cheery response right now, so you leave it be. Looking around your quaint little cottage, the utter lack of a single other person hits you square in the chest for the very first time.

“You’re glad that I’m here, aren’t you Drip?” you ask your puddle slime pal. You sit on your bathroom floor and make small splashes in your full bathtub. Drip says nothing, obviously, simply enjoying bobbing about in the water. There are a number of puddle plorts floating around him, but you’ll collect them later. You just aren’t quite feeling up to rancher duties at the moment. Maybe you’ll work yourself up to it.

“I know this wasn’t a mistake,” you mutter to Drip. “Birthday parties are only bearable for the first half anyway, and all I’m missing is the principle of the thing! It’s much better here with you.” All you hear in response is the echo of your voice against the bathroom walls, wavering and uncertain.

Oh, enough of this. You’re just wallowing now. What are you going to do, cry about your friends and family having fun without you? That’s far too juvenile, even for you. It’s not as if you’re completely alone. The slimes aside, you DO have someone to talk to!

Looking out the window, you can see that it’s still technically morning. You attempt to contact Dirk over the communication relay anyway. Of course, as expected, there’s no answer. This is fairly typical during daytime. If you ever do manage a connection all you hear is unintelligible static. You’ll have to wait until sundown.

You COULD send him something via starmail, but the thought of re-opening the app makes your stomach sour. Besides, the jitter in your limbs won’t be helped by lying in bed and typing till the cows come home. You need an activity. You need to go somewhere, do something -- to look for something maybe, and perhaps even find it? It would be nice to find some sense of accomplishment, at least.

You’ve already gone beyond the boundaries of your ranch by the time you come to your senses. Your restlessness has a tendency to get the better of you like this. What are you even looking for?

It’s not a what, you think. More like a...who. Yes, a person would be nice. Not even anyone in particular! But as the loneliness seeps deeper and deeper into your bones, you can’t kid yourself any longer. You’re looking for Dirk. It’s clear you won’t get very far on that front, but it’s easy to keep hoping. You never know. Maybe you’ll find something just around that bend, or through that passage. Some clue you can use to track down your oh-so-elusive neighbor.

As you wander, you find yourself fantasizing about discovering Dirk’s little hideaway, to his shock and surprise! You’ll get the jump on him yet; figure out his _deal._ What does he live in? Where does he get to all his tinkering? What’s his ranch look like? What does HE look like?

You’re in the middle of pondering his height and theoretical facial hair when you notice you’ve reached an unfamiliar section of the Dry Reef. The landmass has shrunk down to a series of small islands connected by ramshackle wooden bridges, and straight ahead is a sign boldly displaying a skull and crossbones.

Um. Foreboding?

You peer down at the slime sea below and think the sign must refer to falling hazards. Is the bridge really that dangerous?

Better safe than sorry. Instead of bothering with the bridge, you step back a few paces and take a running leap off the edge. Making sure to conserve your forward momentum, you use your jetpack to safely float to the other side. After you touch down, you smirk at the sign. Hah! As if that would scare _you._

This small island is covered in rock formations jutting upwards, which leaves the navigable area fairly cramped. Upon glancing upwards, you spy a bush sticking out of the rock. Growing on it are what you can only assume to be fruits that vaguely look like strawberries, but...cube-shaped.

Cuberries!! You’ve been looking for those!! “Score,” you whisper triumphantly. You vacc them up quick as you can, thinking about how happy your phosphor slimes are about to be. Your attention is grabbed, however, by a sound to your left.

Swiveling round, you catch sight of a pink-tabby largo. Except something about it is different. Its ...expression? In place of the usual wide, directionless smile is an absolutely venomous scowl. Its glare is locked directly onto you, and it hops in your direction with an intent that is _unambiguously vicious!_

Do slimes GET angry? What are you supposed to do in this situation??

You frantically scan for escape routes. The way you came is now blocked by more irate largos. The longer you linger, more will likely pop up. Without any more time to think, you dart forward--the only other direction to go--and clumsily maneuver around the first largo. It lunges for you as you pass, and you feel your arm get _bitten!_ Painfully! You yelp and RUN!!!

Unfortunately, what you’re running towards is another godsdamned rickety bridge, except this one is ten times as long!

There’s no time to test for structural integrity. You just keep running. The bridge creaks and groans and sways, but holds your weight. You dare to look behind you, and see that the largos have not followed you. Instead, you watch as one of them falls into the slime sea. You pause.

You aren’t sure how to feel about that, or what to think. About this whole situation, really. You suppose you should feel...bad? Hah. You already do, but not about the slime falling to an unceremonious end.

Briefly, you marvel at the strangeness of it all. Is the range itself mocking you? It’s not enough to feel rejected by your friends and family, oh no. Even _slimes_ don’t like you or want you around!

...You’re being ridiculous. These feelings aren’t ones to dwell on, and this bridge is not the place to dawdle. So you take a moment to catch your breath and continue on your way. This second half of the bridge has no railing whatsoever, and you feel like going one mile an hour to avoid losing your balance and topping off the side to your untimely death. You swallow.

This bridge has two branching paths. One of them is a dead end. You can vaguely see some land you MIGHT be able to jetpack to, but there’s no way in hell you’re risking it. Instead you head down the other way, where you find...what do you know? A slime gate.

You’ve been up and around the gate to the Indigo Quarry enough times that this one doesn’t intimidate you. The mystique of it has also somewhat dissipated, but finding a new one still is intriguing. The placement seems so random. How were you meant to get here in the first place? It’s obvious these bridges were built relatively recently. Without them, the gate is just sitting by a sheer cliff facing the slime sea. It makes you wonder if the creatures that built the gates could fly?

No, that’s stupid. If they could fly the gates would be pointless! Maybe there was more here long ago? Perhaps the sea level was much higher and this gate was reached by boat of some sort. Or maybe the land simply eroded away. That’s kind of sad to think about, how so much would have been lost to time. And curious how the gate seems so intact while the land around it is so...not.

Dirk might find this interesting, wouldn’t he? You’d write it down to mention to him later, but that would probably be lame. You’ll just fumble over your words and embarrass yourself. You manage that often enough already, no need to make it worse.

But enough of that. Dirk, and how much you wish you could talk to him, are added to the list of things you don’t want to dwell on. You snap yourself out of it and quickly use your jetpack to climb over the gate.

On the other side is what appears to be a winding, weathered staircase carved in the rock. At the top, there is a sudden steep drop into...a hollow tree trunk. You peer down and think that there is no way you’ll be able to climb back up, even with your jetpack. And yet...what are your alternatives? Turn back and face that swarm of feral slimes? Idle here until your brain oozes out of your ears with boredom? Curl up in a ball and cry??

No! None of that. You’re not a coward. You’re _not._ You take the leap without any further delay. You’re surprised by the smooth, almost slippery texture of the bark as you slide down to the bottom. You fall face-first into a pile of leaves, sputtering while you regain your bearings.

An explosion goes off near your head. You recoil backwards with a yelp. You blink once you’re a safe distance away, finally catching sight of the source--a slime. Oh. A Boom slime.

You’d seen some here and there in the Indigo Quarry, but avoided them because they frazzle your nerves something awful. But here? There are _so many_ of them. Red with bright cracks along their bodies like rolling, smiling blobs of active lava. The offending slime in particular is reeling from its own explosion, which you find...kind of adorable?

No reason to get any closer by any means, but you shoot it a smile anyway and look around.

There are Pink and Tabby slimes here too, of course. They’re fairly ubiquitous at this point. Come sundown you don’t doubt some Phosphors will pop up as well. It’s nice to have something familiar and reliable even when in a new and intimidating place. That said, the area you’ve stumbled upon might just be the most familiar-feeling yet.

In contrast to the dry, hard, rocky walls of the Indigo Quarry and Dry Reef, here everything is lush and green. Soft moss clings to dirt cliffs and compresses under your feet. The stuff is everywhere, and so are trees and flowers and bushes and grass. Where before the only plant life you saw were sparse and struggling to survive, here it flourishes. The air is thick and humid with a distinct sweet, earthy taste to it that reminds you vividly of the tropical island where you grew up, on earth.

You find yourself smiling as you look around, taking deep breaths of the tropic air. With each breath you feel the knot that had wedged itself into your chest begin to loosen, bit by bit.

“Where to go next?” you mutter to yourself, but the question seems to already be answered as your feet start to move. The itch you’d been looking to scratch, you realize, is here--wandering through a comfortable, lush green expanse. You’ve always been right at home in places like this.

It’s not a person, as you’d first hoped. It’s certainly not Dirk. But this is hardly disappointing, by any means.

You find more slimes. More Boom slimes, to your chagrin, as well as a brand new type you immediately take a liking to. They’re deep yellow with honeycomb-shaped markings on their faces, and when you wander within even a few feet you can smell an incredibly sharp sweetness radiating off of them. They must be the source of the sugary tang to the air, you think.

Fittingly, you discover from the slimepedia that they are called Honey Slimes. Well. You could have guessed that.

Additionally, the place you’ve found is called the Moss Blanket. You adore that name. There certainly is quite a lot of moss, draped almost blanket-like along the entire landscape. More importantly though, you like the name because it amplifies the homey feeling. For one selfish moment, you regret the fact that you’ll have to return to your ranch and keep things up there. If you had a choice in the matter you’re sure you’d like to spend as much of your time here as possible.

You decide that you’ll snag a few of the Honey Slimes on your way home, and continue to simply enjoy yourself in the new area. The Boom Slimes are...a nuisance, and loud, and being near them when they burst is more than a little painful. But you don’t mind watching them surprise themselves from afar as you dip your feet into a nice, perfect-temperature pond of water.

Unfortunately, with this many different kinds of slimes in one area, you know the peace is bound to be short-lived. In the distance, a boom-pink largo explodes and sends plorts flying everywhere, notably into a honey-tabby largo’s mouth.

There is a strange calmness in you as you watch the honey-tabby transform into a grotesque gray blob of tarr. You hear it grunting as well as the terrified squeals of nearby slimes as they’re attacked and absorbed into it’s writhing mass. It still takes near 20 seconds for the urgency of the situation to actually impress itself upon you.

Oh. Oh, shit!

The relaxed haze immediately gives way to rapid comprehension and movement. Before you register a thought towards what you should actually be doing, you’ve refilled the water tank in your vacc pack and are running _towards_ the tarr. It’s multiplied at least twice by this point, meaning it’s claimed two victims. Once you get within range, two of them turn their attention to you. But, armed as you are, you don’t feel particularly cowed.

It’s surprisingly easy to dispatch them. You don’t even need to get close. Two blasts of water have each of them breaking apart within seconds. After which, you’re left standing there, limbs trembling with adrenalin. Fucking gee whiz.

The exhilaration leaves you slowly, mind running in circles while your legs start to restlessly carry you onward. In fact, soon enough you find yourself breaking into a jog purely for the exertion of it. As you do, you can finally begin to think clear thoughts.

You feel...accomplished. Something that once seemed scary and intimidating simply isn’t anymore. The tarr haven’t gotten anywhere close to hurting you, despite how terrifying they seem. Hardly so tough, are they? In fact, the feral slimes from earlier feel far more threatening now. You’re improving! If this were a video game, would this be what it feels like to level up?

In fact, as you think about it, the idea of the tarr being a real threat to you makes less and less sense. After all, they can’t possibly be a rare occurrence. They are almost inevitable to appear whenever three or more different types of slime mingle with each other around food sources, scooping up other plorts by accident instead of a carrot. Is this just a cutthroat fact of life on the far far range? It’s true there doesn’t seem to be any amount of population control for slimes, which you haven’t even observed to reproduce like any other animal. They just...appear? So it would follow that they can also just. Disappear.

If slimes were to run rampant without any predators, than the food sources they depend on for survival--which already seem a bit worryingly scarce--would deplete so quickly, nearly all slimes would inevitably starve. That’s how food chains work, right?

You still don’t like the idea of these friendly, adorable creatures dying. Or starving. Especially not any that you’ve taken into your care! So even if it’s somewhat pointless and frivolous, you are glad you decided to take care of the tarr when it appeared. After all, what keeps the tarr from completely overtaking an area and multiplying exponentially? The presence of water? You wish you could ask Dirk. This seems like the kind of thing he would know.

As your train of thought shifts, you realize all at once that you have no idea where you are now. You just jogged in a random direction and weren’t keeping track of the turns you took. Well...fiddlesticks.

Finally come to your senses, you find that you’ve wandered into something of a small, circular outcropping of the Moss Blanket. A large but mostly dead tree grows in the center, roots extending outward in all directions, connecting with the high dirt walls and creating something of a natural staircase. Upon approaching, you realize the natural staircase gives way to one carved directly into the rock.

Quite similar to the staircase that lead you to the Moss Blanket in the first place. Curious. You can’t really stop yourself from going up it. Maybe getting up higher will help you figure out where you are?

After stepping over the threshold from wood to stone, you can feel something...shift. You aren’t sure if it’s in the air, or if it’s simply some sort of funny feeling similar to being watched or followed. Except it doesn’t feel dangerous. Just strange.

Another few seconds of investigation reveal what caused the change. Looking up, you can see at the top of the staircase: yet another slime gate.

The first thing you notice is that it’s bigger than the others. The designs etched into the rock are more ornate. And, most importantly, the wall in which it’s imbedded goes up for at least another twenty or thirty feet. There is no way for your jetpack to carry you up that high, and you can tell that the mostly dirt composition of the wall would immediately crumble if you attempted to climb it.

So...bummer.

You walk up to the gate and spend several minutes curiously running your hands over the carvings, thinking about how you could possibly get around it. It seems futile. Yet you feel compelled to try and figure it out.

Which is surprisingly difficult at this point. You’ve had a very eventful day. You didn’t get as much sleep as you would have liked, last night. There is a weariness seeping slowly into your skin, making your eyelids feel like lead weights and your limbs like noodles.

There are no slimes here. You had almost grown used to the distant sound of the Boom slimes erupting, which hadn’t helped your relaxation levels. But here, it’s peaceful. So peaceful in fact, your yawn breaks through the quiet and manages to echo back at you.

That does it then. This is the perfect place and time to for a nap. The moss on the ground is very soft, and it only takes you a minute to find a particularly fuzzy patch to lie down on. You don’t sleep immediately, considering it’s just as relaxing to soak in the quiet and tranquility of true privacy. Nothing can bother you here. No responsibilities, no dangers, no loneliness, nothing. You can just pause for a little while.

 

\--------

 

There’s something buzzing near your ear. It’s annoying, and took you out of the most _wonderful_ dream. There were car chases and smooth one-liners and your adorable fluffy companion was just about to turn the car into a plane! But NO. Instead you’ve got to deal with a lame fly buzzing around your ear. Maybe if you can deal with it quickly you can get back to...oh no, what was it again? A chase? From who?

You are unsuccessful in your attempt to ignore the noise. It occurs to you it can’t possibly be a fly. The source of the sound isn’t moving anywhere, as flies normally do. Since you can’t even remember anything about your dream beyond the fact that action was involved, you sigh and open your eyes.

Oh. It’s your headset. Who’s calling you? Why do always forget to take these things off before you nap? Your glasses are all askew on your face...you hope you didn’t bend the frames. It’s going to be a real pain to get those fixed if anything happens to them. Maybe Dirk could...?

_...DIRK!_

You bolt upright with a start and fumble to answer the call quick as you can, even before your eyes are all the way open. Once they are, you’re able to catch the telltale signs of twilight in the sky. Other than that, absolutely nothing else has changed. Your gaze locks on the moon as you are able to watch it, large as it is, rise up into the sky.

“Jake? Hello? Earth to--well, I guess this isn’t earth, is it. Uh...FFR to Jake! Do you fuckin copy, my dude?”

You slap yourself in the forehead. What are you doing, getting distracted by celestial bodies?? Another second is taken to wipe the drool from your chin and clear your throat.

“I’m reading you loud and clear. Far too loud, if you ask me. What’s the big idea?” you grumble, rubbing your eyes and trying to banish your lingering drowsiness. How long were you asleep? It’s so late.

“Did I interrupt something?” Dirk asks, and you don’t like the hint of amusement in his tone. What does he know?? Who does he think he is, huh?!

 _“No.”_ You promptly sit up. Because you can! You’re awake!! “In fact, you caught me at the perfect time! I was just about to ring you up, but seems you’ve saved me the trouble! Fancy that?!”  

“Uh-huh.” There’s sarcasm dripping from both syllables, and it makes you grit your teeth as your face heats up. This is ridiculous. You haven’t done anything wrong. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, there’s no reason for Dirk to think otherwise! He’s just teasing you for the sake of it, now! “So should I do my thing first, or let you go?”

You hate how you can tell your face is bright red right now. He’s not even teasing you that much, yet he’s got you wrapped around his finger. It’s unfair! Now you have to _recuperate._ “...Y-you can go first. It’s hardly urgent.”

There’s a short, awkward pause. Just as you’re wondering if you need to repeat yourself, he replies. “Right. Cool. Yeah. Anyway. I was going through my inventory and I realized I probably need to have a talk with you.”

Uh-oh. You don’t really like how he’s phrasing that, but you’re not going to trust yourself to say anything right now.

“I’ve been filling a lot of your requests pro-bono lately, or close to it. Which I don’t regret or anything, and I’m not going to try and use that as an excuse to like...scam you? But, the point is, I’m probably going to have to start asking for a lot more in return for these jobs. I need supplies, and not just for making sure I have what I need to make your shit. Do you feel me?”

Oh. That’s...not what you were expecting. You take a bit too long to absorb that information, but Dirk doesn’t comment, thank the stars. “Uh...of course! Clear as crystal! I’m sure your prices will be fair and your services top-notch as per usual!”

“...Okay. Cool. Is that it? Any questions? You always have so many questions.”

You do have questions. But you can’t very well ask them _now,_ can you? “...Nope! None. I trust you’ll inform me of whatever it is I need to know, when I need to know it!” And that, you do trust. Dirk is nothing if not prompt with that exact thing. This call serving as a prime example.

“Huh,” is all Dirk says. He seems genuinely surprised, but not in a bad way. You don’t comment on it, and avoid further analyzing the implications of this one word any further, because it’s making your chest feel funny. “So. Your thing?”

Oh. Oh no. You hand't come up with whatever your thing was supposed to be. “Uuuuuuh....!”

“What did you want to talk about. When you were ‘just about to ring’ me?” The teasing exasperation is back, and things snap into place. Namely, your gaze onto the slime gate.

“Y-yes! Of course! My thing!” You clear your throat past Dirk’s sigh, and take a few steps towards the gate. “I’ve made my way to the Moss Blanket! I _adore_ it here, by the by. It’s my favorite spot yet.”

“Oh, wow. That’s nice,” he responds dryly. You huff.

“AND! I’ve found another slime gate! This one is HUGE!” You smile as you tap it, looking once more towards the top. ‘Huge’ might not be strictly accurate, but...who cares? “There’s just no way for me to maneuver to the other side! Do you know about it?”

Instead of the sarcastic but ultimately helpful response you were expecting, you get complete silence. But that’s fine. Awkward pauses are nothing new with this fellow. So you wait. And...wait.

Nearly a full minute goes by without a word being said. You’re nervous, now. You cough to see if you can...get his attention? “Uh...Dirk? Did you hear what I--”

“I heard, yeah.” The words are biting and strained. Your mouth immediately snaps shut. You swallow. He seems. Upset? You bite your lip nervously. What did you say?

“Um...”

“Sorry. Just. Give me a second, alright?”

You give him many more seconds, holding your breath.

“What do you mean by a huge slime gate?”

The air in your lungs comes out in a rush. Sakes alive, what is going on? At least he doesn’t seem mad? “I mean it’s...bigger than the others I’ve found! M-maybe I shouldn’t have said huge? It’s just--by this big ol’ tree. And the wall around it goes up far too high for me to climb or jetpack...”

Dirk lets out a long, weary sigh. You keep quiet once more and look at your feet, hating how small you feel. Why can’t you just be more assertive in times like these? Maybe if you were more confident in general, things in your life would have ended up. Different.

“Jake, I’m sorry, alright. I’m being an ass right now. But at the end of the day, you know...maybe there’s a reason all these gates are scattered around. Maybe there are some you’re just _not supposed_ to open.”

Your brow furrows at that. You look at the gate, and think hard. “...Why?”

“What?”

“Why am I not supposed to open it?” You ask, feeling a bit of indignation bubble up inside you. “Do you know what’s on the other side? Is it dangerous? If so, why not just do the sensible thing and TELL ME instead of wiggling your fingers and moaning ‘beeewaaare’ like the goddamn bogeyman?!”

You huff, trying not to yell, but--but you’re angry, now. How dare he, actually? How dare he make you feel small like that? You came out here specifically so no one else would have the opportunity to make you feel like that ever again! And yet here Dirk is, treating you like some numbskull, just like everyone else does! “Who do you think I am exactly? Who do _you_ think _you_ are? Where do you get off, treating me like a child?? Just because you’ve been here longer!”

“...Hey, hold on--” Dirk tries to interrupt, and he sounds well and truly cowed now, but you’re not done!

“And furthermore! Where do you get off, snapping at me for an innocent question? I haven’t minded your crotchety, cryptic nonsense since quite a lot of it was--was my bad from the start for sure! But this is just ridiculous!”

“I...” Dirk starts, but doesn’t continue. You’re done now, you think, and take a second to catch your breath. That was...satisfying. You haven’t gone off on anyone like that since...well, you can’t really remember, actually. You were always too afraid. But now that you’ve stood up for yourself, it feels GOOD! Holy cow!

So swept up in the euphoria of this newfound self-confidence, you don’t notice how little Dirk has said. You clear your throat. “Well?”

“I-I’m sorry,” you hear. And...oh, no. You don’t like how that sounds at all. Your grin quickly morphs into a frown, and you feel another nasty lump form in your chest. “That was. Well, like I said. I was being an ass. It’s...”

More silence. You don’t interrupt, guilt making your gut twist painfully. You just went off on him, didn’t you? Good fucking job, Jake English. Finding new ways to bugger things up with people, all the time. And this time, it’s with the only person you _have._

“I do know what’s on the other side. It’s...not dangerous, strictly. I don’t really have a good reason. You’re a...fucking adult, and. Yeah. You’re right.” Dirk pauses to take another breath. It sounds shaky. You feel even worse. “I can tell you more about it later. I have to go do something.”

Oh. Your eyes widen, and you frantically try to salvage this somehow. “I...hold on, Dirk, I didn’t mean--!”

“It’s fine. I really have to go. Bye.” And--the call disconnects.

There you are. Alone again. This time, by your own doing. Or maybe that’s how it’s always been, and you just never bothered to notice.

 

\--------

 

> **From:** Dirk Strider  
>  **To:** Jake English  
>  **Subject:** Slime gate.
> 
> If you’re really so dead-set on unlocking the slime gate, it’s not going to be easy. Not impossible, but it’ll require some legwork, and even more guesswork.
> 
> You’ve probably already noticed this, but slime gates are pretty fuckin’ weird. A door shouldn’t have an aura about it, but they just kind of do. This one especially. And if _you_ feel it, some weird alien not native to this planet, imagine what it does to the native species? Namely the slimes. Obviously.
> 
> Slimes are both attracted them. How much depends on a shit ton of factors, but the biggest ones are the type of slime and the location of the gate. This goes double the slime _keys._
> 
> The slimes obviously can’t do anything to the gate itself. It’s made of solid stone and they’re made of fuckin’ slime. But the keys, they can mess with.
> 
> You’ve met regular slimes, and largo slimes. But there’s a third category: the Gordo. A gordo slime is basically just a giant, non-hybrid slime. If a group of 10 or so of the same type of slime end up sticking together long enough, for whatever reason, they’ll merge together and form a gordo. It happens for all kinds of reasons, but one of the most common is slime keys.
> 
> If a slime key is left in an open gate, sooner or later a bunch of slimes native to the region will show up and stick to it like glue. They eventually form a gordo around it, cause the gate to lock up again, and then fuck off to wherever. Well, actually, I do know where. Usually not super far. They tend to stay in the same general region where they formed.
> 
> All of this to say that your best bet is you’ll find the slime key inside a Gordo. And given this gate is in the Moss Blanket, your primary target is Honey Gordo, a Boom Gordo, or a Hunter Gordo.
> 
> My professional advice, however, is that it is almost definitely the hunter gordo. None of the other slimes usually go anywhere near that gate, as you likely noticed. This is both good and bad news for you.
> 
> The good news is I can significantly narrow down the area in which you can find the hunter gordo, so you don’t have to blindly scour the entire moss blanket. The bad news is, that area is the Feral Path. It’s the northwestern region of the Moss Blanket, which is, as it’s namesake suggests, full to bursting with feral slimes. Almost all of them are hunter largos, which are even more prone to viciousness than any other slime, especially feral ones. Ever met a pack of hunter/boom largos? Well, get ready.
> 
> The other kicker is that hunter slimes can all turn nearly completely invisible. Their eyes are still visible, and they’re pretty bright yellow, but even then--gordos tend to keep their eyes closed as a rule, so good luck finding it. But gordos are also harmless, unlike largos. So there’s that.
> 
> To get the key from the gordo, you have to pop it. To pop it, you have to feed it until it bursts. You can figure the rest out with the slimepedia, I hope. You’re an adult and all.
> 
> \- Dirk


End file.
